Dr Theophilus Pudding's World of Knowledge of the World

Letters

2012-01-05T13:57:00.010Z

Letters are the constituent parts of the written word, where each letter represents a different sound, such as '  ' or '  '.   The collective noun for a flock of letters is an alphabet.  There are 26 letters in common usage in written English, but in fact the full version of the English alphabet contains almost 300 letters; most of these are rarely used, being both silent and invisible.

The following, in order of appearance in Jane Austen's classic novel Men and Menstruation, are the most commonly used household letters, such as one might find in any regular coffee table book or hairdryer instruction manual:

- Bb or B flat is the silent B, which occurs in words such as 'bomb' (pronounced 'om').
- Q is an unnecessary letter, which could easily be replaced by K, but it is often said that the English like to form a Q out of politeness. 
- T is the opposite of S.   It is the most widely-used drink in the English alphabet.
- W is named ‘Double U', or ‘U2' for short, but it is in fact two Vs conjoined and is therefore worth ten.

Since a Royal Mail rule change in 2007, the price of sending a letter in the UK has varied according to the letter's size.   This means that the cost of sending a large X to an aunt in Inverness would be upwards of 92 pence.*   Pre-2007 letters are now obsolete, but one could use any found lying about the house to make alphabet soup, which should be served cold, like revenge or gazpacho.

*ie, 93 pence.

The Prodigy

2009-10-13T19:04:00.002+01:00

The Prodigy are a man who produced a number of dance music hits in the 1990s and two thousands. Among their hits is the controversial single Smack My Biscuits.

The term 'child prodigy' is unrelated, and means an angry child who dances in tunnels and has funny hair.

Jobs

2009-09-14T19:39:00.000+01:00

These days, nearly everyone has a job, although jobs are less popular in times of recession. A job is a method of filling the dull time between having breakfast and having dinner, unless you work a night shift in which case it fills the time between pudding and having a morning wee.

Here are some jobs that people do:

Dentists
Dentists smell of mints and have a unique number for every single tooth in the world. If they ask you to say ‘R’, be careful not to growl as it gets their hackles up.

Astronauts
Astronauts wear suits made of a special material that repels space invaders. In space, no one can eat ice cream.

Butchers
Butchers do the unpleasant job of separating meat from the animal that has kindly looked after it for the last year or two. Butchers have great vocabularies, and have invented nice words especially for bits of animals that you wouldn’t like to eat, like chitterlings, giblets and sweetbreads, because beasticles, gormenghastlies and danglepieces don’t sound very appetising.

Sailors
Sailors are really friendly, so if you see one you should say, ‘Hello sailor.’ If a sailor offers to show you his hornpipe, you should politely decline, since their mazurka is normally much better.

Beans

2009-08-04T16:11:00.000+01:00

In the beginning, there were beans. And God said, ‘Let there be toast.’ And there was toast. Then he noticed that the beans were Worcester Sauce flavoured, and he cast them aside.

God, of course, has quite traditional tastes. Humans, on the other hand, crave culinary adventure, and in the last five thousand years we have developed more than 57 (ie, 58) varieties of bean. Most varieties are bean-shaped, though the Tyrolean Flugelbean and the South African Cauliflower Bean are more unusual, while the North American Frisbean can be a great source of entertainment at a picnic. However, only three or four beans are available in most shops, including the mung bean, the Sean bean, the well bean, and the jelly bean. If you are lucky enough to live near a ‘Beanocopia’ you will have a wide range to pick from.

Beans are the eggs of a small mammal called the haricot, and can be free range or battery-grown. These days most people prefer free range, although the nets and fine-mesh chicken wire required to prevent their escape makes them more expensive to raise than some other legumes.

Luke Skywalker

2008-07-18T15:24:00.004+01:00

Explorer, naturalist and TV presenter

Most famous for his Ewokipaedia, Luke Skywalker wowed TV audiences for three decades with his natural history documentaries on the wildlife of Tatooine, Dagobah, and Margate.
In 1985, Skywalker experienced a surge in popularity when he took part in a charity sumo-wrestle with David Attenborough, a fellow naturist and star of The Great Escape.

Skywalker was hanged for DVD piracy in 1996.

Cuisine

2008-06-27T17:36:00.006+01:00

Cuisine is French for kitchen, but means cooking, just as toilette is French for 'toilet', but means public convenience, and je ne sais quoi is French for 'I don't know, what is it?', but actually means kangaroo.

British cooking has changed a great deal over the last few decades. These days it is no longer considered acceptable to serve your dinner party guests a potato and some charred roadkill. As people become more interested in quality food, good nourishment and Nigella Lawson, everyone wants to develop their skills as a chief (which is French for chef). As a result, the recipe book industry is now worth literally hundreds of pounds, and not a Christmas goes by without someone buying such a book as a gift for a distant relative who they don't really know, or as an office colleague's 'Secret Santa'.

There is also a huge retail sector devoted to providing the budding chef with a variety of useful kitchen implements, at which the chef will marvel how he or she previously managed without. There are few modern kitchens that are not equipped with implements like the cheese timer, the beanometer, or the garlic laser, nor indeed specialised dining equipment like the carrot spoon, the gravy flute and the new 'Theatre of Grapes' (TM).

Superheroes

2008-06-20T17:56:00.003+01:00

Superheroes come from America. They are like humans but have special powers, and are driven by a powerful moral code which means they always triumph in the end. Sometimes they are almost turned from the path of right and justice by a beautiful lady, who we know is secretly bad because she has dark hair.
Sometimes they have an arch enemy, who is an ugly.

Superheroes are never homosexual.

Here are some classic superheroes:

Cat Man
Cat Man comes from Chicago, where he was raised in a box by nuns. He sleeps a lot and he don't ever need no litter tray.

The Gardener
The Gardener has laser secateurs and is friends with the earthworm hoards. He charges more for weekends.

The Wastrel
The Wastrel was friends with Bill and Ted, but he was off sick when they had their excellent adventure, so he flunked school. He lives in a friend's garage and mostly hangs around in parks. He carries a spork.

Worzel Gummidge
Worzel Gummidge has very long eyelashes. He is allergic to brutalist architecture.

The Internet

2008-05-13T17:42:00.006+01:00

The internet is made up of millions of brass pipes connecting huge underground reservoirs full of facts, ideas and nonsense. Information is pushed around the system using enormous steam-powered pumps.
Although it has been around less than a generation, the internet is now more than three times the size of Jesus. It continues to expand at the rate of two a year.

Here are most popular things people do on the internet (not counting looking at naked people):
1) finding recipes for teriyaki salmon
2) hiding
3) downloading morris dancers
4) origami
5) changing foreign currency
6) learning about bats
7) making smells
8) posting photographs of holidays in Suffolk
9) conducting séances

Noah's Ark

2008-04-29T17:24:00.003+01:00

Until the 1840s people had believed that all life on earth had developed over millions of years through a process of natural selection. That all changed when Noah's Ark was discovered on a hillside in Denmark in May 1846.
The world was shocked. The Bible had to be re-written and evolutionary theory was overturned. Within weeks the Rolling Stones had released hit single The animals came in two by two, crazy woman and a film had been made starring Charlton Heston as Noah's wife.

The Ark was carefully excavated and soon it was realised that it contained God's DNA, which meant that it must have been Him who sank it, not an iceberg. Leonardo diCaprio fans were up in arms, calling for revenge attacks on churches and reproduction furniture shops (no-one is sure why).

But why was the Ark built in the first place?

According to the Bible (Book of Dalziel and Pascoe, ch 1-17), God had decided the world was a bit grubby. So he asked independent film-maker Noah Baumbach to load all the plants and animals into a big ship while He gave the world a wash. The rest, as they say, is a bit like history.

Noah later based his autobiographical film Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou on the experience, but he left out the bit about Leonardo DiCaprio as there was no actor small enough to play him.

T' Mobile

2008-04-26T17:09:00.001+01:00

A telecommunications company based in Yorkshire.

London

2008-04-07T17:46:00.004+01:00

Bee Featers, black taxes, Big Bill & Ben.

London was founded by Romans on their way to the Edinburgh Fringe, where they were going to perform Up Pompeii! The Musical. After building London Bridge, St Pauls (which was originally a cinema) and Buckingham Palace they moved on, and the city went into economic decline.
The show, however, got 4 stars in The Scotsman.

By medieval times London was growing again, on the back of a boom in pointy shoes and grisly torture devices. The medieval city was full of nooks, crannies, and winding streets, and by 1666 it had become so difficult to navigate around the metropolis that it was decided to burn it down and start again.

Newly rebuilt London became the powerhouse of the British Empire, until a band of cockney architectural rebels led by Tony 'Jellied Eels' Soprano began to campaign for a repeat of the 17th Century conflagration. Teaming up with 'Knees Up, Eva Braun' Hitler and 'Arf a pahnd a pahnd' Goerring, in 1939 the rebels started a 'blitz' on old-fashioned architecture, and much of the city was laid waste. Over the succeeding decades, many areas of London were rebuilt in a futuristic style comprising massive grey cubes of concrete which smelled of wee.

Modern London is a vibrant, vigorous, vibrating city with a thriving cultural scene, based around music, theatre and ignoring people. It is said that in London you are never more than 4 feet away from an art student.
The city can be found on most regular maps, between the second fold and the picture of a Kraken.

Crime

2008-04-02T17:01:00.004+01:00

A crime is any action that breaks the law. Crimes range from minor misdemeanours like parking one's car upside down, cheese theft or noisy breathing, to major crimes like murder or poking the Queen's corgi.

Crimes are investigated by the Police. When the Police apprehend a criminal, they often interview the miscreant using a routine known as 'good cop, bad cop and ugly cop'.
This is not the only form of criminal investigation that has its own theme music. Forensic experts normally work to a dark ambient track, while police chases on foot are generally accompanied by the Benny Hill theme.

If a criminal is convicted by a court of law, there are a number of punishments that may be ordered. Fines and prison sentences are common, but a prisoner could also be sentenced to the Cool Hand Luke egg challenge, or performing one of the 12 Labours of Hercules (except for capturing Cerberus, since the latter was destroyed in accordance with the Dangerous Dogs Act 1991).

Religion

2008-03-27T18:01:00.002Z

Some people believe that we have guardian angels who fly around on magic carpets wearing bomber jackets. Other people believe that when we die, we go to a gay club in Charing Cross called Heaven. There are others who assert that if you pray loudly enough, you'll be able to hear your own voice echoing back from God's ears.
All these are forms of religious belief.

Religious belief has been a part of human culture and society ever since we invented guilt. Since then (humans being fractious creatures by nature) we have subdivided belief into separate religions such as Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, and Moomin. Each of these is subdivided into multiple denominations: Christians, for example, can be Roman Catholic, Anglican, Methodist or Sensible Jumper. Each denomination is further split into factions, and so on down the line until every individual essentially has his or her very own religion.

This is ideal, because it means you can believe what you want, and anyone who disagrees with you is at best misguided and at worst eternally damned, so you can kill them and take their stuff.

Winston Churchill

2008-02-29T17:49:00.003Z

West Indian cricketer who led Britain through the dark days of World War WWII Two

Born in 1890 and educated at Kentish Town School for Girls, Winston spent the early part of her career in the army as an armoured personnel carrier. She then entered politics, running for the Conservatives, then Labour, then the BBC.

Throughout her career, he was famous for his oratory, and is still remembered for statements such as, "Never, in the whole field of human conflict, have so many owed so much, and so more done so little, about so few, and so on and so forth. So there."
Perhaps his most inspiring speech came just after Poirot was forced to abandon Belgium to the invading German forces, when Churchill's defiant voice was broadcast over the airwaves:

"We shall fight them on the beaches, in the supermarkets, near the library, in the pond and in space.
We shall fight them on trolleys and riding on pigs, with dustbin lids as our shields.
If they bring bicycle chains, we shall use a shitty stick, and perhaps a laser gun.
And we will never surrender.
Unless they are winning."

Only after the war ended did Churchill realise that Britain had been fighting the military and industrial might of Nazi Germany. He had thought that Europe was being overrun by oversized beetles.

Telephones

2008-02-20T17:36:00.003Z

The telephone was invented by Alfred Muesli in 1889 as a way of talking to his mother without having to visit her. The first telephones were one-way. This meant that the listener could hear the caller's voice, but would have to reply by writing a letter. As a consequence, early telephone conversations took several weeks.

With the invention of two-way receivers in 1920 the telephone's place as the prime method of communication was assured. Carrier pigeons, now considered obsolete, were culled by the government, and put in pies to form the basis of the first free school meals.
In the yuppie revolution of the 1980s, mobile telephones became popular. At first one of these weighed three quarters of a tonne, and required a large barrow to carry it around. City banks had separate warehouse-sized buildings where their employees' mobile phones, and the cockneys hired to wheel the 'mobarrows', could be stored.

Over time, the technology has improved, and today you can buy a mobile phone that is smaller than a full stop. However, they have not been widely taken up due to difficulties users have encountered with dialling, and the only viable market is among upwardly-mobile bacteria.

Cliff Richard

2008-02-15T16:45:00.003Z

(Plural: Cliff Richardses)
Singer, actor, expert jam maker

Sir Cliff first hit the music scene in 1810, when as a tiny scruffy boy of four he crawled out of a hedge in Devon singing a hymn. Since then he has sung almost 100,000 songs, which is more than anyone else in the world apart from 130-year-old Japanese club singer Tina Arena.

Having been around for so long, Cliff has seen a lot of changes in the music business. When he first started recording, he had to sing into a 10 tonne steam-powered phonograph. Nowadays, he can actually produce digital song files by singing in binary, allowing his crooning to be downloaded directly to your computer or brain.

King Arthur

2008-02-14T17:09:00.006Z

King of the Britons, late 5th Century AD - present

King Arthur still resonates today as the archetypal warrior king, and a focal point for patriotic fervour and Cornish Tourism Board leaflets. He is also famous as being the first Briton to lather himself in goose fat and swim across the channel Tunnel, because a sword told him to.

Born somewhere mountainous like Wales or Cornwall in 410 (just before Countdown), Arthur showed his royal ambition from an early age, when he had the young Princess Daenna killed in a chariot accident, leaving him the only heir to the throne. The heir was called John. Arthur killed him too, and then declared himself king. He then sealed his position as the rightful ruler by pulling a sword out of a packet of Rice Crispies (this was his second attempt, as he had accidentally eaten the previous sword in a rice crispie cake).

Arthur was soon leading a band of brave young knights from around the kingdom, attracted by the fame of his court and his rather shapely legs, and various unlikely adventures ensued. After many years gallavanting and being wise, he died and was buried in Highgate between Robin Hood and Winston Churchill. Legend has it that one day, when Britain is in dire need, he will rise again to unite the people, drive away invaders, and release a number one hit single.

So that's the legend. What about the real King Arthur?

It is possible that the basis of the myth is Arturius, a Romanised Britain who fought Saxon settlers and raiders during the 5th Century. He may also have been based on Arthur (pronounced Arffa), a character from Eastenders who, like the real Arthur, didn't like foreigners and then died. We will probably never know. Unless he does rise again, of course, in which case we can ask him.

Skeletons

2008-02-11T23:59:00.001Z

The animal kingdom has long been divided into those that do have a skeleton, and those that do without. For those creatures that possess skeletons, the experience is somewhat like using a supermarket shopping trolley, in that it contains all your essentials and the wheels don’t work. Some animals do not have skeletons and instead just re-use old carrier bags. Types of animals without skeletons include slugs, snakes, snails and snowmen.

Individuals of the species homo sapiens tend in general to have skeletons, which in this species consist of a skull, shoulders, ribcage, arms, legs and toesies. These different sections are strung together with tendons and twine and cumulatively serve as an elongated coat hanger on which one can hang the portmanteau of the skin (see below). The skin is then covered in a fine layer of hairs - in some locations the hairs are allowed a certain freedom of expression - a couple of eyeballs are popped in to the skull, a tongue fixed amongst the teeth of the jawbone, a hat is put on the head and a free seat is located on the bus on which to sit. Most buses will drop you somewhere near Tesco although it is quicker oftentimes to walk.

Art

2008-02-11T21:19:00.001Z

Art is short for Arthur. Arthur comes in many forms, and is often divided into 'high art', such as opera, sculpture and painting, and 'low art', like whistling, doodling and making words with alphabetti spaghetti.

Artistic endeavour is one of the defining features of modern humans, along with having complex societal structures, and not being happy with your hairstyle.

Making musical instruments out of vegetables is not art. It is a form of political protest.

The Bible

2008-01-30T17:58:00.000Z

The Bible is a collection of scriptures that form the basis of the Christian religion. It includes stories, psalms, pictures and pop-up sections.

It comes in two parts, the left testament and the right testament. The former was so called because it was left to Christians by their forefathers. It tells the history of the ancient tribes of the near East, and the prophets and kings who led them. It is also the source of most of our knowledge about the dinosaurs.
The right testament includes the stories of Jesus and his Apostles: Paul, Simon, Garfunkel, Andi Peters, David Jason, Jimmy Kranky, and Peter formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince.

Today you will often find bibles in hotel rooms. They are left there by God, who is omniscient and omnipresent but sometimes a bit forgetful.

Christmas

2008-01-29T17:58:00.000Z

Christmas is one of the most important festivals in the calendar, and remains devoutly pagan despite popular complaints that it is becoming a little bit too Christianised.
It is both the winter solstice (a fizzy drink) and the anniversary of the birth of political activist, preacher and Radio 4 Garden Time regular Jesus Christ, in an inn in inner Innsbruck in 0AD.

Christmas is a time when families get together and fall asleep in chairs. People also give one another presents of socks and CDs, or sometimes a combination of the two, like a sock with a CD in it.
If your Birthday is on Christmas Day, the two cancel each other out and you get nothing. This is why Jesus didn't have many possessions.

Monuments

2008-01-28T17:39:00.000Z

Monuments are sculptures or structures with ritual or symbolic value.
Famous examples include Stonehenge in Wiltshire, Nelson's Column in Trafalgar Square, and Ted Heath, who is frozen in carbonite and on display in Birmingham city centre.

Freddie Mercury

2008-01-22T18:37:00.000Z

Singer, swinger, Spurs left winger

Pop starlet Freddie Mercury beguiled audiences around the world with his incredible voice and amazing hoover-pushing video antics. With his rock group Queen, he reached number one on π occasions during his lifetime, as well as topping the charts again with the re-release of the highly political hit song Bohemian Rap after his death in 1991.

Despite endless and inconclusive speculation during his life, it was not until after his death that people realised Freddie Mercury was not in fact from the planet Mercury. He was, however, formed entirely of liquid metal, rather like Robert 'T1000' Patrick, except for his moustache, which was a real moustache. This proud facial adornment was given to Freddie by an Indian chief whom the popster had rescued from a shark attack in Tooting Bec Lido in 1970.

Taxis

2008-01-20T20:12:00.000Z

There are two certainties in life; death and taxis. When you die, a taxi may come to pick you up to take you to Waterloo, where you can catch a Eurostar to Heaven, or Belgium as it is locally known. There are no taxis in Heaven, or Belgium, but the mayor of Belgium, Dieu K D’Hazard, has implemented an environmentally friendly scheme of bicycle lending, whereby residents may pick up one of the many bikes left lying around the streets and cycle off to whatever destination they fancy.

When you get to Heaven, which takes 2 hours 40 mins, you may care to sample the delicious delicacies on offer, such as pommes frites avec mayonnaise, or deep fried beer.

Not everybody gets to go to Heaven, or Belgium. Some may have to spend eternity in the waiting room of ABC taxis in Hayes, or Hell, as it is known locally.

Celebrities

2008-01-20T20:06:00.000Z

Celebrities are everywhere these days, but you can usually get rid of them with a special comb or shampoo. Celebrities are human beings who have attained an elevated social status in virtue of hard work performed in the jungle or forgetting to wear underwear when climbing out of a limo.

The ancient Greeks were the first to formulate a notion of celebrity. Athenian citizens could vote on a fellow citizen to be a celebrity for 8 years, after which he would be allowed to return to Athens, although by that time everyone had forgotten who he was and you could buy all his movies in a Texaco garage for 50p.

Whilst the position of soup du jour is no longer subject to such time limits, many celebrities find themselves sadly forgotten about after just a brief moment in the limelight. The famous hairdresser and greengrocer Andy Warhol once famously remarked that he would be famous in 15 minutes, before recording his number one hit Spiders from Mars are Coming Down the Stairs.

The Victorians

2008-01-11T09:53:00.000Z

'The Victorians' is the term used to describe people who lived under, on or behind Crown Prince Queen Victoria (r.1818 - 1919). It was a time of colonial expansion as Britain attempted to conquer and subdue any nation that was better at sport (which at that time, like today, accounted for most of the world).

The Victorians invented much that we are familiar with today, such as model trains, television, coleslaw, electronic music and the weather.
The era produced many notable engineers, including Isengard Kingdom Brunel, who built the first robot, and Charles Nonsense, who laid the foundations of the modern British rail system, and then changed his mind and invented the pogo stick.

Moustaches

2008-01-10T18:39:00.000Z

The moustache is a popular way for a chap to demonstrate his manliness, and is considered more socially acceptable than indecent exposure.

A moustachio (Latin: moustachio, moustachire, 'to wear a moustache') is commonly placed on the face, between the nose and upper lip, but may also be worn on the forehead; above the navel; or a little further down, should you wish to show off your 'Groucho'.
When not being worn it may be kept in an attractive display case on a sideboard or windowsill, or alternatively stored in the moustache pocket of your waistcoat or Bermuda shorts.

Left unattended, a moustachio can become bushy and badly behaved, and will chase small children. But groomed carefully, your Schnurrbart can be a great fashion accessory, especially with a modern style such as the 'thigh tickler', the Angel of the North, or the Batman symbol.

Bruce Forsyth

2008-01-02T21:03:00.000Z

Personality, Precocious Dancer, Pagan

Extraordinary-chinned, orange-tinted entertainer Bruce Forsyth has risen far since his humble beginnings. He was born Bruce Elizabeth Forsyth to an upper middle-class family of wolves in Highland Scotland in the 1930s. His mother, Jemima the wolf, recognised her copper-coloured infant's talents and large chin early, and as soon as he was old enough she enrolled him in TV Presenter Primary School in Edinburgh. Here he flourished alongside other now-famous pupils like Des Lynam, Cilla Black and Fidel Castro.

After gaining a degree from St. Butlins College, Oxfordbridge, the bright tangerine-hued young Brucie entered telly land, where he quickly took the opportunity to show off his skills and chin in programmes like 'The Generator Game' and 'Every Other Bloody Night at the London Palladium'. He was soon one of the aristocrats of the gogglebox kingdom, but decided to take a brief career break in 1984, which he used to study necromancy and to spend several years on the high seas as a pirate.

In 2003 he returned to TV world with hit show 'The Price is Nice to See You', followed soon after by the hugely popular 'Strictly Dance or You Die', which he still presents today.

He lives in rural Devonshire with his three wives and his cat, David.

Countries

2007-12-20T16:40:00.000Z

The countries as we know them today were created by a convention of the UN in 1950. Since then they have been a useful way for people to form a national identity, conduct international diplomacy and know who to have a war against.
A new facility for making countries was constructed in Antarctica in 1996, and since then new countries have been rolling out of the factory doors at the rate of five per year.

Here are some facts you may not have known about countries:

Holland
Holland is named after diminutive boogie fiend Jools Holland in gratitude for his contribution during the Holland-Wales war. It is sometimes called 'the Neverlands' because Peter Pan creator Barry Humphies was Dutch. Holland is entirely below sea level, and can only be reached via an escalator from Luxembourg.

Congo
There are two Congos, Democratic Republic of Congo and Congoland, which means that there is always a spare if something goes wrong. By a strange quirk of fate, all Congolese are allergic to Um Bongo.

China
China is entirely clockwork. It is the only country whose national anthem is one continuous note that never finishes.

Angola
Angola expands and contracts 4 times daily according to the relative position of the moon, the tides and former UK Prime Minister Baroness Darth Thatcher.

Thailand
Thailand was constructed from an Airfix kit in 1984. Since then it has been redecorated twice, including one disastrous experiment with shocking lilac.

Brazil
Brazil has a 3-dimensional flag, whose shape is a cross between a football and Bossa Nova pioneer Joao Gilberto (1931-2031).

Bees

2007-12-19T14:15:00.000Z

'Bees, bees, good for your heart, the more you eat, the more you fart', as the song goes.
Bees are indeed high in fibre, but whether they cause flatulence is still a matter of debate.

But what are they bee?

Bees are tiny electronic insects that are powered by honey. They also make flowers. Bees hum because they are notoriously stubborn and are determined not to hear what other bees are saying to them. As a consequence, over time, bees have learned to communicate with one another through dance. However, they are not the only insects with this talent. Insects of the mantid family are excellent breakdancers, while wasps favour swing and jive.

Bees often live in man-made structures, but if left to their own devices with a small JCB, two tonnes of bricks and the right roofing materials, a swarm can knock together a decent 3/4 bedroom hive with off-street parking in less than a week.

Jelly

2007-12-17T17:26:00.000Z

Jelly is used as a greeting in a number of Hispanic countries. It is pronounced jelly.

George Michael

2007-12-13T17:52:00.000Z

Lord of the Denim Dance

George Michaels was born Giorgy Mikailastrakan in Armenia in 1850. His parents had been killed in a horrific but amusing factory accident before he was born, and he spent the early years of his life as an urchin, wandering about the sea floor feeding on molluscs and protecting himself with poisonous spines, both of which habits he still hasn't shaken today.

After enlisting as a soldier in the Crimenian War at the age of 6, he encountered larger-than-life rapper Florence Nightingale, more popularly known as 'Flo No', who was working as a be-atch in the British Army. The kind-hearted, large-butted rapster took Giorgy under her ample wing. When the war ended nil-nil, it was Flo No who brought Giorgy back to England hidden inside a lantern.

Back in the UK of GB, young Georgiou flourished. Nightingale had an enormous influence on his education, teaching him to sing and dance with panache (short for 'papier mache'), and soon he was making pop records of his own.

He took to the Victorian pop-world like a duck to soup. His first hit single, 'Wouldn't it be nice (kerchung kerchung) if I could touch your botty?' went straight to number 1. He was soon giving music hall stars like Charles Seriously and Albertine 'Is this the Post Office?' Fletcher a run for their money. Hit after hit followed as if from a pop boxer, and singles like 'Mumma's dancy boy' and 'L'amore c'est ma dommage' sold millions. Of records.

After 85 years at the top spot, Michaels Georges retired. Although he doesn't sing anymore, he still produces other acts such as Spanky Do and Team-Club-1. He lives today at the top of a tree in Sussex, and only comes down at Christmas to bark at the neighbours.

Grandparents

2007-12-11T17:40:00.000Z

A grandparent is a human that has produced one thousand offspring, (hence the origin of the word). On achieving this feat, the new grandparent shouts 'full house!', and is then officially designated with the title and given some comfortable shoes by Her Majesty the Queen.

Grandparents can be found in armchairs, at bus stops and in deckchairs in UK seaside resorts. Indeed, they are so common these days that they can easily be acquired; you may even have one yourself.
Your grandparent should be refuelled regularly with Werther's Originals and tea (some high-performance models also take sherry).
It can be useful to cover your grandparent with a tartan blanket. This will calm him or her down, and discourage attempts to escape.

Cocktails

2007-12-07T16:38:00.000Z

A cocktail is made by mixing liquors together, often with fruit juice and ice, to make something more potent but easier to drink. The cocktail is normally presented in an attractive glass, and can be topped off with a cherry, an olive or garlic & herb croutons. It may then be accessorised with a mini umbrella or a tiny rainproof poncho.

Making 'cocktails' can be a good way of clearing those almost-finished bottles of unusual spirits from the back of the drinks cabinet, which is an ideal way to wind down towards the end of a party.

Popular cocktails include the Spooky Martini, Pink Shame, the Lime Woohahaha!, and Troll Sick.

Rome

2007-12-06T17:41:00.000Z

Rome was founded in Rome in 753BC by the Romulans out of Star Wars. The city was built in a day, and once completed it was the largest Lego city in the entire ancient world. With a society founded on republicanism, citizenship and the violent conquest of its neighbours, Rome thrived, and over the centuries Rome built up a land empire of several acres.

Eventually the Roman empire grew so large as to be administratively unwieldy, and began to collapse under its own weight like a badly-made civilisation pie.
The decline was exacerbated by several barbarian holiday groups, including the famous 'Tour of '09' by Alaric the Goth and his band of lank-haired Camdenites, who rampaged through Italy drunkenly chanting and throwing plastic chairs.

Today little remains of the empire except some ruins and a few packets of souvenir 'Gladiator' biscuits.

Mountains

2007-11-30T17:51:00.000Z

Mountains are like big old grumpy hills, except with snow instead of white hair. Some are built over millions of years by immense geological forces, while others are built in a very short time like the EU's Sugar Mountain, the Sherbert Fountain Mountain, and the Mountain of Naughty Children.

Many mountains have names, like Mount Cottonsocks, Mount Peter Tatchell, Mount Cragalot and Plumpy. In some parts of the world mountains have numbers, for example K-9 and R2D2.

The highest mountain in the UK is Ben Hur.

Dancing

2007-11-28T17:48:00.000Z

Dancing is a form of bodily shaking accompanied by spasms of the limbs that are sometimes in time with music, though often entirely random. Dancing is generally used to express joy and convivial feeling, or to scare off potential romantic partners. In other respects dancing is like having a fit, except that it goes on for longer and is more embarassing for younger relatives.

Traditional dances are similar but tend to be slower, and involve more spinning, bowing and giggling behind fans.

Popular dances today include the Dirty Batman, the Menage-a-trois, the Fraggle Rock and the Lurgy.

Volcanoes

2007-11-28T17:22:00.000Z

Volcanoes are formed when the Earth's tectonic plates swell up and burst, and molten lava comes steaming through like hot custard. Like a well-made custard, molten lava smothers and burns everything in its path, destroying trees, houses, cars and hopefully Robert Kilroy Silk.

One famous volcanic eruption was in AD79 when the rebel slave leader Circduglus pulled the plug from the top of Mount Vesuvius, releasing the lava and destroying the towns of Pompous, Humungous and Myopia.

These days, most volcanoes are extinct, as the species has been out-competed by mountains, which are far more adaptable and amenable and are therefore more widespread.

Some famous volcanoes include Mr Hottie, Mt. Burnalot, The Devil's Bidet, and Le Dejeuner Chaud de St Hubert.

Puddings

2007-11-23T14:57:00.000Z

A course eaten after dinner and before cheese, or after cheese but before cigars, or after cigars but before skinny-dipping.
Poodles (pudding noodles) can be eaten at any time of day. Be careful not to confuse with puddles.

Also cf. colloquial phrase 'you're a pudding', used as a threat to a mischievous child who makes a mess of himself. This phrase dates from a time when cannibalism was common in British society. The practice died out with the advent of the Industrial Revolution, when Quorn was invented. This is why it tastes like chicken.

Jesus 'Jesus' Christ

2007-11-20T17:42:00.000Z

"One day I'll be bigger than the VW Beetle"

Prophet, magician and bon viveur.

Jesus was born Jeshua Evan Williams in Bethlehem, Carmarthenshire, in the year 0000. Although West Wales was suffering from industrial decline and high unemployment at the time, he was fortunate to have a stable background. Both his parents were employed, his father working as a ghost for the local council and his mother as a carpenter.

Born with a full head of hair, a luxuriant beard and a halo, it was clear from the outset that he was a special child. At school, his academic performance was average, but in reports by his teachers we find indicators of his later career, such as the occasion when he resurrected a box of frogs intended for dissection in O Level Biology, or when he dissappeared for 40 days during a cross-country run.

As Jesus reached adolescence he showed no sign of entering either his father's or his mother's trades, instead choosing to sit on mountaintops wearing a beard of bees and meditating. It was only as he entered his twenties and became politically aware that he started to make an impact, first locally in Llandeilo and the Tywi Valley and then more widely as his fame spread across Wales and most other places in the world.
He started by casting out W.I. tea dances and farmers markets from church halls, then walked across the Severn Estuary and raised Elvis from the dead. Soon he was preaching to enormous crowds at the Millenium Stadium and Wembley, having fed them all with five portions fish and chips.

But as his fame grew, Jesus made enemies. The private health industry were worried by his healing powers, shoemakers lost trade as his followers took to the streets in sandals, and TV shopping channels were threatened by his renunciation of material possesions like cheap jewellery and remote-control hoovers. It was when his water-into-wine demonstration caused a collapse of the European wine market that the authorities decided to act.

He was arrested and subjected to a televised trial presented by Ant and Dec, followed by a public telephone vote to decide his fate. As the verdict was awaited, one of his followers smuggled a stolen key into his cell, hidden in the pages of a large book which wasn't the Bible because it wasn't written yet, and Jesus was able to unlock his door and escape. To this day his whereabouts is unknown, although apparent likenesses of him seen in potato crisps, oil stains, over-exposed holiday snaps and one of the Beatles suggest that he is still somehow working his magic.

Hair

2007-11-14T17:47:00.000Z

Isn't hair amazing? It keeps one's head warm, it can be styled to suit the wearer's personality, and can be tousled affectionately (but only if it is on the head of a small boy. Tousling the hair of a stranger, your boss or a visiting Head of State can have unpleasant consequences).

But have you ever noticed that hair comes in a limited range of colours? Silvery white, blond, red, brown, and black...why is that?

It's because hair is made of wood, and those are the colours that wood comes in. Little spiders make hair by chewing up wood and secreting a keratin-based substance from their bottoms. While you sleep at night, the spiders come out from their hiding places and spin new 'webs' of hair on your head. It is worth noting that as men age, their smell changes, causing disorientation in the little hair-spinning spiders. As a consequence they spin less hair on a man's head and more in his ears, in his nostrils, on his eyebrows; indeed, often any part of the body except the head.

Some famous hairstyles include the 'Jesus', the afro and the 'cat that climbed in the washing machine and you didn't notice until you heard miaowing several minutes after the cycle started'.

James Bond

2007-11-13T17:27:00.000Z

(c. 19th Century) a type of glue. (modern) A financial instrument allowing investment in popular Jameses, such as James Mason, Jesse James and James I of England and VI of Scotland.

Bonds in James Dean and the homonymous Mancunian indie band have been particularly highly valued recently.

Henry 1/8th

2007-11-13T15:06:00.001Z

The first arachnid king of England. He had 6-legged wives, which he ate after they failed to produce male spiderlings to inherit the throne.

Henry started the schism between the English State and the Roman Church, after the church wouldn't let him leave his car in their carpark while he popped into the supermarket.

Henry was remarkably fat, and would be frequently seen swimming in the seas off the British coast, using his beard to filter krill from the water into his mouth. According to Cardinal Wolsey he could consume up to 4 tonnes of the tiny marine organisms in one day.

Pixies

2007-11-13T14:18:00.000Z

Pixies are diminutive mythical creatures that live in woods, meadows and sheds. They have blurry outlines, and it is from this that we get the word pixelated.

Much like gnomes in the 1950s and goblins in the late 1960s, pixies had an important cultural role during the late 1980s and early 1990s, particularly in popular music. Their silly hats, mischievous behaviour and raw angst-ridden music inspired grunge bands like Nirvana and Soundgarden, as well as millions of grumpy teenagers around the world who took to wearing colourful pointy hats to show how angry they were.

Trousers

2007-11-13T14:05:00.000Z

Although originally designed for warming the legs of horses and ponies, trousers have been worn by men and women for at least a century. They are today one of the most popular tubular fabric leg storage devices available.

Trousers are grown in enormous 'kek farms' in the Mid-West of the United States of Americay. Harvested twice a year, they are then refrigerated before being shipped around the world and delivered to clothes shops and the bottoms of wardrobes.

Most people now have at least one trouser, and many find a pair more convenient.

Computers

2007-11-12T17:28:00.000Z

Computers were invented by Prince Albert Einstein as part of his Great Festival of Exhibitionism in 1851. Since that time computers have become an integral part of life, like buses, children and toast. Today computers are all around us: in the workplace, in the car, in the home, indeed in everything from humble kitchen appliances to mighty intergalactic battle cruisers wreaking death and destruction at the flick of a switch or the typing of an incorrect password.

In fact, although you may not have guessed it, I am a computer.
So how do I work?

Computers understand the world by breaking everything down into tiny units of data called bits and bobs. A bob is worth 2 bits and a three bob note is bent. 3 bent bobs is a kilobob, 5 kilobobs is a megadon, 10 of those a pterodon, and 1000 pterodons is a gigapig, or gig. 1000 gigapigs makes a hig, which is short for higgledy piggledy giggly piggle. And so forth.

At the time of writing, the most powerful computers can cope with up to 4 higs of data (or one squegg). But technology moves quickly, and the number of times you have to turn a computer off and on again to get it to work doubles every year.

As for the future, who knows? Perhaps computers will take over the world. Or perhaps they will be content with their lot in life. Or will they? Perhaps they won't. Or perhaps they will! Or they won't. Who knows? Perhaps you do? Or perhaps you don't. Do you?

Amphibians

2007-11-08T17:53:00.000Z

Is it an animal, or is it a fish? Well, the word amphibian comes from 'amphi' meaning half, and 'bi' meaning both, because an amphibian is both an animal and a fish, and neither, and half not either of them.

It is widely known that frogs, toads and salamanders are amphibians, but did you know that seagulls, mice and the tea plant Camelia Sinensis are also amphibious? No, I didn't think so.
In fact, many high-earning businessmen are now becoming amphibious, as amphibians pay tax at a lower rate than mammals due to their being cold blooded.

Insects

2007-11-06T17:38:00.000Z

All insects have 6 legs but only one knee, which links the insect's head to its thorax, in place of a neck. Some biologists call this a kneeck, especially in Scotland.

Insects can see into the future using tiny magic telescopes. They can also eat more pot noodle than you can shake a stick at.

If you want to see some insects in action, good examples look out for are the fly, the swim, the Beatle, the earwig and the eyehat.

The Compass

2007-11-06T17:31:00.000Z

A compass is a device that travellers often use to aid orientation.

It is like a watch, but for space instead of time, and you don't need to wind it up.

The four points of the compass are Nobbins, Eck!, Sompft and Wohag.
You can remember the points of the compass by never eating shredded wheat, as constipation is a proven aid to memory. If you must have your roughage from elsewhere, you could try eating hay, or perhaps bristles.

Usage

One uses a compass by drawing around it to create a circle, or by drawing around a pair of compasses to create two circles (Fig. 1).
As every schoolgirl knows, a circle always points north. This allows you to orientate yourself easily, provided that you want to go north.

Other methods to discover north include eating the moss from one side of a tree, or looking at a map, or by travelling to the south pole and then going north.

Lassie

2007-10-30T13:51:00.001Z

Lassie is a type of yoghurt-flavoured dog.

Gods

2007-10-30T13:20:00.000Z

Gods are magical people who live in the sky, although some live underground, while others like to spend time in churches and other religious buildings. Most gods are immortal, which means they set on fire easily. This is why many churches have holy water in strategic places.

The majority of gods are humanoid in appearance. Some have extra body parts - 8 arms, or 2 heads, or 40 beards - while some are zoomorphic (a form of stop-motion animation using plasticine).

All gods have jobs. Some are carpenters, others create weather or ensure good harvests, while some work in admin or as teaching assistants.

Here are some popular gods, with a brief description of what they do:

Hareth - god of digital piracy
Hareth wears a hat of flames, but he takes it off whenever he goes into a restaurant.

Sham - god of eggy bread
Sham is green and speaks all the languages of the Indian subcontinent except Malayalam.

Lorica - god of creative accounting and petfood
Lorica sometimes comes to earth disguised as a South London bus driver called Michael.

Elro - god of setting fire to bins
Elro is rather dapper, but moves at light speed so you are unlikely to catch a glimpse of him.

Ip - god of glossy cookbooks
Ip is reborn each year during the Eurovision song contest. Nul points, Ip!

Limpy - god of hunting gazelle with laser beams
Limpy has one million legs and no arms, so spends a lot of money on shoes, but on the flipside never has to worry about gloves.

Urk - god of shaving foam
Urk exists purely as a sound, and sounds a bit like a motorbike breaking down, and a bit like a baby sneezing.

Plappaplip - god of shouting at trees and shrubs
Plappaplip likes wining, dining and mining.

Zem - god of embarrassing behaviour at weddings
Zem is fifteen minutes behind GMT so is difficult to have a conversation with. He has previously been the god of 00 gauge model trains, nightmares and Leichtenstein.

Ramathon - god of zooming and miaowing
Ramathon has wings of gossamer and eyes of ruby. He lives in a garage near the sea-side in Essex.

Dinosaurs

2007-10-29T17:10:00.000Z

From Anc. Gr. Dino-sauros meaning I don't know what those bones are from. Perhaps a very big ox?

There was a time, not so long ago, when dinosaurs ruled the earth, although they didn't pass laws, impose taxes or engage in foreign diplomacy; they mostly roared and ate one another.

It was the arrival of Homo Sapiens (the thinking man's man) that spelt the end for these giant creatures. First as a fleet-footed hunter gatherer, humankind decimated wild dinosaur populations, and then as a farmer he domesticated the majestic thunder lizards, and dinosaurs quickly became little more than beasts of burden, reduced to pulling ploughs and lugging around rolls of carpet purchased in the half price sale down at the bazaar.

With the invention of the steam engine, dinosaurs had outlived their usefulness, and, cast out of society, dinosaur numbers dwindled rapidly, with remaining populations succumbing to poverty and alcoholism.

Recently, things have been looking up, however, or rather, people have been looking up, at things, those things being dinosaurs. For these mighty beasts are now being re-introduced into some of the wilder parts of the UK like the New Forest, the Scottish Highlands and Croydon.

Dictators

2007-10-29T13:51:00.000Z

Dictators are a subset of the marsupial family. Along with the characteristic pouch in which young are reared, common dictatorial features include ruthless ambition, nepotism, a willingness to use secret police and paranoia to oppress freedom of thought, and the passing of nutty edicts (for example the 1938 laws passed by Mussolini decreeing that all nuns must wear fairy wings, children must talk Italian with a Geordie accent, and gurning must be accepted as legal tender).

Some of the more popular dictators include Josef Stalin, Adolf Hitler, Dionysius I of Syracuse, and Top Cat.

Chocolate

2007-10-26T16:56:00.000+01:00

Today, chocolate is as popular as ever, whether it comes in a foil-wrapped bar, in a rich drink from a continental cafe, or spread over the writhing naked body of your new lover. But there was a time when chocolate was relatively unknown in Europe.
All changed in the 16th Century, when Francis Drake, browsing the newspaper over his morning rice crispies, saw an article about the conquest of South America by spaniels. While ravaging the continent, the hungry conquistadogs had come across a city made entirely of chocolate, which they ate. Intrigued, Drake managed to source some chocolate from a business associate known only as Turkish John. The great adventurer gave it a try and was delighted. Where Francis Drake led, fashionable society followed, and the more classy taverns of London were soon thronged with people drinking chocolate, twirling their moustaches and pretending to be pirates.

Manufacture

Chocolate is created by grinding up tiny beings called chocs. These live wild in the jungles of South America and Africa, and are caught in nets each night by hunters. The ground chocs are turned into a goo which is poured into moulds to make ingots called choccablocks. These are then sent to a mountaintop factory in Switzerland, where Neil Kinnock uses secret incantations to turn them into chocolate bars, Easter eggs an' ting.

Chocolate is a precious commodity, and several national currencies are guaranteed upon a chocolate standard, though many nations abandoned this after 'Brown Monday', when the price of Rolos collapsed.

Apes

2007-10-26T16:29:00.000+01:00

Apes are humankind's closest relatives in the animal kingdom. However, they don't visit us very often and the most we ever get from them is the odd finger-painted Christmas card so sometimes I wonder why I bother.

There are different species of apes, but the most popular are the orang-utan, which is Malay for 'grumpy old man in the forest', and the chimp, which makes cocopops.
Other family favourites include the gorilla, the cheeky monkey and King Kong. The Monkees are not apes; they are in fact a religious order.

Many ape species are endangered and populations are reaching critically low levels, largely due to hunting and encroachment on habitat by humans, and also as a result of repeated gruelling experiments involving large numbers of chimps and typewriters.
To combat the decline, the Ape Marketing Council created the Planet of the Apes, located about halfway between Earth and Mars, but it has not proven popular with visitors so far, losing out to more exciting attractions like Lego World and Moon of Muesli.

Apes are sometimes kept captive in apiaries by bees in armour.

Kinder Eggs

2007-10-26T16:23:00.001+01:00

Invented in 1979 by a confectioner who thought his children were spoilt.
Kinder eggs are famous for a TV advertisement in which two children ask for a toy, some chocolate and a disappointment, and their mother buys them Kinder Eggs, thereby only meeting one of those demands.

Houses

2007-10-24T17:02:00.000+01:00

I live in a house. You probably live in a house. I know they live in houses. So what is/are it/they be?

A house is any free-standing structure in which people live. The plural form of the word is hice. There are 15 officially recognised sizes of house, ranging from hovel to palace, as well as many different flavours, including mock tudor, pretend Gothic, gingerbread and haunted. A house can also be made of Commons, of love, of cards or of acid.

During the Cold War (1945 - c.1990° celsius) many people elected to live in a Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD) house, working on the principle that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw nuclear warheads at other people's glass houses.

In modern Britain people are increasingly worried about rising house prices. Higher prices have led to a growing incidence of house theft, and consequently many people have started storing their houses in lockers and putting name tags on them.

Mao Zedong

2007-10-24T15:05:00.000+01:00

Poet, politician and plumber extraordinaire

Son of a gay bank manager and a panda, Mao Zedong was created in 1918 to commemorate the death of WWI poet Wilfred Owen.
A bizarre child, he was shunned by his schoolmates due to his unfeasibly small size, having reached only 4 inches in height by the age of 12. Nonetheless, he was clearly a bright child, but the regimented teaching style in 1930s Hunan Province schools did not suit his artistic temperament and frankly wacky behaviour.
In his mid-teenage years he dropped out of school, becoming a drug-addled petty criminal, and eventually was arrested and jailed for running his own robot hedgehog fights in the back rooms of bars and brothels. He escaped from prison after copying keys by impressing them in the icing on fairy cakes that he baked to impress the governor, and then using these icing moulds to make new keys out of teaspoons from the prison canteen.

While in prison Mao had got into the habit of never changing out of his pyjamas, and perhaps due to the restrictions on his freedom during the day, he frequently sleepwalked at night. It was during one prolonged bout of somnambulance after his release that he became Chairman of the Chinese Communist Party.
Subsequently, the entire period of his leadership was spent in a sleepwalk. No-one noticed, and he managed international diplomacy, the writing of his personal manifesto and the release of the hit single It's my Chinese People's Party and I'll rid the country of anti-proletarian imperialists in a bloody purge if I want to while apparently unconscious.
When he woke up in 1981 he was quite surprised to find he had been leader of the most heavily populated country in the world, which he had transformed beyond recognition. On being told of the mass killing and famines of the Great Leap Forward and the Cultural Revolution, he didn't believe his informants, claiming that no-one could possibly be so dogmatically stupid, and asserted that they should have put their efforts into neutralising hippy popstar Donovan instead.

In the 1980s he was for a brief time the third member of entertainers the Chuckle Brothers, but retired after securing his fortune by inventing the spoon as an egalitarian alternative to the bourgoise knife and fork. He died suddenly in 1986, while peacefully sleepwalking across the newly opened M25 motorway.

Hats

2007-10-23T17:12:00.000+01:00

'How much is that topper in the window?'
It's four shillings and six, sir. Oh dear. I suggest you had better seek an outfitters more suitable to your means.

A hat is, quite simply, a head covering device. Though it is not a crown, a cap or a helmet. Or a wig, or a veil. But most other head covering devices are hats.
Hats come in many shapes, sizes and dimensions (if you count the 12-dimensional hats postulated by today's physicists). They range from the more familiar styles such as the top hat, the fedora, and the bowler, to the more interesting tricorn and the Carmen Miranda, all the way through to the outlandish New Guinean Poop Deck and the Bavarian Musical Wurst-Horn.

Although banned for a short time during the Victorian era - condemned as base and explicitly sensual - hats have always been a popular way of expressing social status, political affiliation and mood. In republican Rome the democratic popularis politicians would often wear a trilby to indicate their political leanings. The Vikings wore helmets that bore horns, which they would sound in battle by pressing the knob on the top of the helmet (and some see in this the forerunner of the parping cacophony of the modern traffic jam). Shakespeare famously wore a fez, as he thought it made him look Bohemian.
In fact, other than the Victorian hiatus, the only other period of hat shortage was during World War Two, when the government ordered hat production to cease so that the skills of milliners could be concentrated on designing bombs that would fall at a jaunty angle.

The hat remains popular to this day, although some experts fear that the growth of online hats may finally sound the death knell for this much loved headgear.

The Sea

2007-10-22T17:20:00.000+01:00

"Soaked to the skin and exhausted, he hauled himself up and looked out of the life raft at the dark mountainous swell, spray lashing his face, storm wind howling angrily all around, and remembered that he had forgotten to call his mother again."

The sea, vast, majestic and untamed, has had an unshakeable grip on the human imagination since it was invented in the 19th Century so that trade ships could be sailed between Europe and the Americas, rather than pushing them on log rollers. Since that time it has also been a much simpler task working out which countries are islands.

There are by consensus seven seas, covering four thirds of the Earth's surface, and they contain an enormously rich diversity of plant and animal species, including fish, numerous invertebrates and Wales. Many marine organisms parallel those we find on God's dry land, such as seahorses, sea cows, sea cucumbers, and sealions, and many of these are raised in seafarms by seafarmers who drive around on seatractors wearing sea flat caps and complain about the city types from Atlantis. Except for the sealions, which are of course kept in a zoo.

The sea is salty because it is the Earth's sweat. As climate change warms the globe, the Earth will sweat more, meaning that the seas increase in volume, and possibly odour, threatening many low-lying areas such as the lowlands of Holland, Lower Saxony and Lowestoft with a briny doom (or 'broom').

The sea is now 37 and lives in Sussex with its partner, Stephen, and Muffles the cat.

Animals

2007-10-22T12:31:00.000+01:00

'Animal' describes any living organism that is neither a plant nor a mineral; in fact, minerals are dead, so effectively an animal is anything that isn't a plant. Animals are also known as creatures, beasties and 'meat trolleys'.

There are characteristics common to all animals: they breathe, they eat, they reproduce, they wear sunglasses, and they can be trained to do circus tricks.
In addition, all animals have superpowers.

Surprisingly, animals have differing opinions about foreign policy.

Some popular animals you may have heard of:

Dogs

Dogs are one of the earliest known domesticated animals, and today many are trained to hoover, make dinner and even work the dishwasher. Many dogs are talented percussionists, and canine drummers have a particularly strong presence in 20th Century classical music and jazz.
Dogs are descended from wolves, and indeed many still turn into humans every full moon.

Sheep

Sheep, like dogs, have been part of the menagerie (a type of dessert) of domesticated animals for millenia.
Sheep have 4 legs, sweet tasting wool and empty, soulless eyes. They live in burrows underground and only emerge to graze, breed or hunt.
Sheep can read minds.

Cats

All cats are gay. They are also skilled carpenters, shaping wood using saws, chisels, and finishing by using their tongues as sandpaper.
Cats can see ghosts, but don't find them very interesting.

Mammoths

Mammoths are made entirely of hair and tusks. They are extremely hardy creatures, built to cope with cold climates and harsh conditions, but as their habitat began to recede at the end of the last Ice Age the survival of the species was in doubt.
Consequently, a herd of several thousand mammoths was sent to colonise Mars, and a healthy population lives on the cold red planet to this day.
Mammoths can start fires by emitting laser from their eyes.

Cheese

2007-10-19T17:11:00.000+01:00

Cheese has been a staple part of the diet in many parts of the world since as far back as anyone can remember, including the oldest person there is (whose memory is going a bit, admittedly. Although he does remember the war. But he doesn't like to talk about it).

Cheeses are made by adding bacteria to the milk of animals; normally cow's milk, but sheep, goat, mammoth, vampire and lizard milk can also be used. The milk is placed in a large wooden vat and then music is played to excite the bacteria in the milk into a crazy protein frenzy.

Commonly, fast tunes such as a sailor's hornpipe, a gypsy dance, or gabba are played, to produce a robust, nutty taste, but a classical piece such as Brahms' Rhapsody for Alto and Male Chorus (Op. 53) can result in a more mellow cheese, especially when used on a lazy milk such as that of the tortoise or the cat.

There are as many cheeses as there are grains of sand in a sandwich eaten on a sandy beach. Some of the most exquisite varieties include Fromage de Dieu, Hebridean Fuck, Bavarian Hundkäse and Princess Diana's Tit Cheese.

Elvis 'the shellfish' Presley

2007-10-17T17:19:00.000+01:00

Elvis Presley (c.2500BC - AD1977) was born to a tribe of Neolithic herdsmen in the Preseli mountains of South Wales in the mid 3rd Millienium BC. A natural singer from an early age, he found it difficult to fit in with his semi-nomadic stone-monument-building peers, and as soon as he was able he left for Mississippi, Lancs.

He started playing in a band and quickly became famous for mixing the hitherto 'black' sound of bashment and dancehall with the 'white' sound of 17th Century Baroque. Much of his early work took place at the Sun Studios, though in his later career he excused the topless Page 3 modelling he did there as 'the mere exuberance of youth, man...thangyuverrmush'.
Within a few years his fame had spread world-wide, and he had regular appearances on TV, radio and toast. His stage shows became increasingly extravagant and elaborate, to the point where he opened one 1968 show by invading Luxembourg at the head of an army of gorillas in pink neon-lit top hats, accompanied by a full cavalry of robotic giraffes carrying giant guitars.

Soon, however, people grew tired of his by now overblown style, and he started to lose his appeal for many fans, young and old. A degree of the criticism levelled at him in his later career seems to have been due to misunderstandings of his lyrics, however, as there were occasions when he would be chased from a betting shop or pub while people tried to put bread on his blue suede shoes, or urged him to 'return to Sandwich'.
As his popularity waned, his misuse of alcohol, amphetamines and angel delight increased. He quickly retreated into fish-and-chip fuelled obscurity in Bournemouth.

Elvis died in 1977 as the result of a bizarre accident with a bassoon and a tortoise. He is survived by two children, Mordred and Balthazar.

Prime Ministers

2007-10-16T17:48:00.000+01:00

The position of prime minister is the most important in the British political machine (a concept that became famous after the Queen's famous description of Harold Wilson as much like "the dial on a washing machine - without him the nation can't wash its smalls").
The prime minister is so called because he or she is a minister not divisible by any other political figure, except 1 or him/herself. The office itself was established in the Second World War by Winston Churchill, who was also the first nodding affirmative action dog to run a state.
Famous prime ministers have included Mark Thatcher, Hampstead Heath and Morticia Addams.

Ghosts

2007-10-12T17:31:00.001+01:00

(Also known as wraiths, phantasms, spooks and spirits)
A ghost is what is left of a person after the soul has gone to the underworld, the body has turned to dust, and all the clothes have been given to a charity shop.

Ghosts have been around for several millennia. Several classical Greek plays contain references to ghosts, most famously in the comedy Heebie-Jeebies in Thebes by Aristophanes and the tragic Don't tell the Archon his Wife is See-through by Euripides.

In the medieval period it was thought that ghosts were caused by bad smells. They were generally regarded as pests, and most households would have their own scented priest to keep the ghosts away. Outside of the peak ghosting period, the priests were stored in priest-holes, which can still be seen in some ex-local authority flats today.

These days the public attitude towards ghosts is quite different, and ghosts perform many useful tasks such as slamming doors mysteriously, breaking unwanted crockery and making children talk with unearthly grown-up voices, which provides hours of family entertainment around Christmas time.

Fishfingers

2007-09-28T16:54:00.000+01:00

Eg. "He has fishfingers"
Used to describe a person who has a demonstrable affinity with cats.

Fruit

2007-09-21T17:58:00.000+01:00

"Fruit, glorious fruit!" as the song goes. We all know what fruit is, but do you ever wonder what it is?
Well, fruit has been around longer than the dinosaurs, as we know from fossilised fruit bowls found in the Gulf of Mexico. A fruit is sort of like a brightly coloured sack of jelly, within which seeds are stored. Animals, such as sparrows, gorillas or children eat the fruit, and discard the seeds or swallow them. The seeds, thrown aside or passed in the sparrow/gorilla/child's digestive waste, will with luck fall on fertile ground and grow into a healthy plant. This is the way many plants choose to propagate themselves, as it is cheaper than having babies.

Some of the more common fruits are:

Apple
Apples contain pips, which make a sort of beeping sound. There are hundreds of varieties of apples, including Hitler, Something for the Weekend, Chanel No 5, Motorhead, Bertram's Sigh, and Peeping Turtle.

Bananas
Bananas are in fact naturally straight, and grow in regimented lines 3 deep. The current curved shape only became popular during the 18th Century when bananas were used as masques and headpieces at society balls. A banana was launched into space in the late 1950s as part of the Russian space programme, as it was thought to be the fruit that most resembles human physiognomy.

Pear
The pear can only be harvested in the full moon, otherwise it withers to dust on picking. Pears are particularly useful in cooking; if sliced in half they can be used as paperweights to hold open the pages of the cookbook. 'Pear' is cockney rhyming slang for apple.

Melon
Melons are so named because they come from the same plant as honey (mel) is made from. Melons come in all shapes and sizes, from tennis ball to bowling ball, and there is one variety shaped exactly like a duck. As the Elizabethan tongue-twister had it, "My melon's more merry than a mummified mirkin (quack quack)". The melon is the only fruit that can scream.

Vegetables

2007-09-18T17:22:00.001+01:00

The term vegetable is used to describe any edible plant, or part of a plant, just as 'sausage' is used to describe any edible, or inedible, part of a pig.
There are a great many varieties of vegetable. Some, like the swede, the turnip, the parsnip and the catnip are grown underground, like tube trains. Vegetables can also be the edible stem, leaves or smell of a plant.
The word vegetable is from the ancient Greek.

Some common vegetables:

Tomato
The tomato was invented by crossing a Thompson's Gazelle with a potato. Tomato seeds are the only seeds that can grow in space. The tomato is the national symbol of Venezuela.

Carrot
Reputedly introduced into Britain from Lapland by Father Christmas, so that his reindeer would have something to eat during postal strikes. It is well known, however, that carrots are not native to Lapland, the home of the Reindeer/Kris Kringle partnership. This casts their origins into doubt. It is possible that carrots were created by elves, or even that they do not exist at all.

Cauliflower
Contrary to popular belief, the cauliflower is neither a flower nor a dog. It is in fact a bacterium of the genus Spachococcus. Best eaten with baked beans or fine wine, or both.

Courgette
Also known as Puccini (US English). The courgette is a popular houseplant due its bright flowers and carnivorous floating seedpods which can clear a room of flies and small pets in minutes. Courgettes are the only vegetable which doesn't float in milky tea.

Sprout
A member of the brassica family along with the cabbage, the lettuce and the tuba. 'Sprout' is cockney rhyming slang for public transport.

Food

2007-09-03T12:18:00.001+01:00

“Food is the stuff that dreams are made of,” wrote William Shakespeare, in his play A Midsummer Night’s Picnic. The playwright referred to the deep and detailed relationship between what is known as ‘food’ and the average human psyche. Food is the remnants of ancient spacedust that was shod from space bolides many millions of aeons ago, and has come to be found in supermarkets, fridges or picnic hampers. By placing these items into one’s mouth, and chewing, swallowing and digesting, energy can be obtained for the body. This energy can then be used to move the body around, hoover in one hand, walkie talkie in the other, going commando as you do the housework. One must be careful as to what sort of food one consumes however, as certain foods have been known to trigger allergies that can result in a person becoming quite dangerously ill. Some people, for example, are allergic to wasps. Other people are allergic to tables. For these people, it is wise to avoid such foods and the medical establishment recommend they carry a packet of Polos with them at all times in case of emergency. Other important attributes of food are taste, smell, sight and sound. These are explained in more detail below.

The Planets

2007-08-28T17:34:00.000+01:00

The planets are named after the characters in a radio soap opera written by Gustav Holst during the First World War. Though known since ancient times, they have only recently been mapped by the Ordnance Survey to help walkers exercise their right to roam across the entire solar system.

In order of proximity to the nearest Starbucks, the planets are as follows:

Mercury - the current Mercury is actually a replacement, put into orbit in 1974 after the original was stolen. An awards ceremony takes place each year on the planet, when a panel of judges awards the Mercury Music Prize for the UK's best pop song about science.
Size: 17
Goals against: 8

Venus - Venus is named after a character created by the Roman business magnate and politician Marcus Licinius Crassus as part of a campaign to boost sales of clams. Venus became associated with love because clams were thought to be an aphrodisiac by Lucius Menius, a shopkeeper in Tarentum in the late 1st Century BC.
Loveliness: 86
Poisonousness: 99
Just like love

Earth - the earth is home to the only intelligent life in the entire universe, but unfortunately this has not been located yet.

Mars - contrary to popular myth, Mars is not made of chocolate; it is in fact made of soap. It has two moons, Deimos and Phobos, which translate from the ancient Greek as 'panic' and 'fear'. They are so named in acknowledgement of the reaction bathtime elicits in many young children.
Bellicosity: 80
Chocolatiness: 2

Jupiter - named after the King of the Gods in Roman mythology, Jupiter is both the largest and the smallest of the planets. No-one knows how it manages this. Jupiter has a large red spot which is in fact a bruise from a collision with Neptune. It should clear up in a couple of weeks.
Size: 110
Sense of smell: 25

Saturn - Saturn is famed for its rings, each of which is made from a different material, starting with papier mache, tin foil and toilet roll tubes in the inner rings, through plasticine, snot, flags and glass in the middle sections, to hair, gold, bread and tears in the outer rings. Saturn itself is just a big ball of rock, and has 'Greetings from Eastbourne' written across its core.
Distance from Birmingham: 157
Liking of opera: 74

Uranus - despite its name, Uranus is a planet. It has many moons, including Sun Myung Moon, Howard Moon and Blue Moon, and the Moomins, which are to be more precise asteroids. On Neptune it is illegal to play ball games or have barbecues.
Ruthlessness: 15
Miles per gallon: 46.3

Neptune - Neptune is one of the gas giants, along with Jupiter, Saturn and Uranus, which is what gives it a slight eggy smell. Neptune is the largest producer of margarine and vegetable oil products in the solar system.
Rings: 7
Hats: 3

Pluto - although traditionally included in the list of 9 planets, Pluto has been scientifically re-evaluated in the late 20th and early 21st Centuries and found to be a rodent. It orbits the sun once a week, and twice at Christmas.
Pluckiness: 82
Shoe size: 9

Sherlock Holmes

2007-08-22T17:21:00.001+01:00

Sherlock Holmes have been at the forefront of housing development in the UK for 30 years, with their largest purpose-built estates in Slough, Norwich, Chester and Narnia. Their popular detached and semi-detached house designs, including the Deerstalker, the Watson and the Moriarty, are known for their no-nonsense, solid build, hence the slogan 'No Shit Sherlock', used in a short-lived advertising campaign in the 1980s.

The Battle of Waterloo

2007-08-22T17:18:00.000+01:00

Following the death of Edward the Confessor in January 1066, a dynastic struggle broke out, with the Saxon King Harold Godwinson, Norwegian King Harald Hardrada, and pop-band Abba all contesting the throne of England.
After the coronation of Godwinson, both Hardrada and Abba mounted invasions of England. Hardrada landed his ships on the Yorkshire coastline and headed inland. He was defeated by Godwinson at Stamford Bridge, where Chelsea FC had kindly provided their home ground as the venue for the battle.
Abba, on the other hand, travelled into London on the Eurostar, having obtained cheap tickets for their entire army by collecting coupons in the Sun newspaper. They were met at Waterloo International station by an exhausted Saxon army under Harold Godwinson. After a bloody battle that raged in and around WHSmith, Sock Shop and the bagel kiosk, the Saxons were defeated. Abba took the throne of England and celebrated their victory with their number 1 hit 'Fernando'.

See also Dame Shirley Portaloo, the Bakerloo line (inaugurated by Sherlock Holmes), and the Peterloo Stringfellow massacre.

Science

2007-08-16T12:09:00.000+01:00

Science was invented in fin-de-siecle Norway by Roald Dahl who was wondering how long he should leave his socks in the tumble dryer. To answer his own question, he divided the situation into three disciplines: Biology, Chemistry and the Physic. In so doing, he not only discovered that socks should be tumble dried for an optimum time of 7.3 mins, but also generated an infinite field of academic enquiry that has chanced upon the answers to some of life's greatest mysteries, such as Geoff Capes or Nicholas Parsons.
Most of science takes place in people's basements or in the spare room. To qualify as a scientist, it is required that you wear a proud moustache and own at least one change of underwear for every day of the week. If you want to apply to be a member of the scientific community, you have to fill in a form with your name and your birthday and what you want for Christmas and tick a box for which discipline you feel best suited: Biology, Chemistry or Advanced Eugenics. If you tick the last box a policeman may come round to your house though, so be sure to answer the question correctly.
Some famous scientists include people like Poirot, Inspector Morse, Columbo and Tosh (from The Bill). Some of the more well known scientific discoveries include how to get tiny ships in wine bottles and Nicholas Parsons.

Beatles

2007-08-14T18:54:00.000+01:00

A supergroup formed in the late 1960s by the coming together of Noel Edmonds, Noel Fielding, Noel Coward and Pele. After early pop hits such as 'Lovely llama lady', 'I brought flowers for you but a dog ate them' and 'My mum wears trousers like that', they entered a darker psychedelic phase, releasing now seminal pieces such as 'Dark Park Lark', 'Away with the hairy fairies' and 'This isn't my dinner'. The pressures of touring and artistic differences led to Noel Coward splitting away from the group and forming his own punk act 'Bitsch Putsch'. Without the glue he provided the band quickly fell apart (solvent abuse was rife in the pop world at this point). Pele became a professional footballer after constructing his own bionic legs following a car accident. Noel Fielding invented false teeth and thereafter lived off the proceeds. No-one knows the whereabouts of Noel Edmonds.

Shampoo

2007-08-14T18:52:00.001+01:00

Not what you think it is.

Mildew

2007-08-14T18:42:00.000+01:00

An unpleasant substance added to bathroom walls and ceilings to make them look 'lived in'. Named after comedian and raconteur Victor Mildew, who, on being told that the bathroom of a luxury townhouse contained original Edwardian fittings, said, 'I don't believe you.'

Birds

2007-08-02T13:50:00.001+01:00

Birds are creatures of the air, like angels. They evolved hundreds of years ago from dinosaurs, which in turn evolved from eggs. You can often recognise a bird from its song. Most birds like pop songs, but some like classical – the bald eagle for example is a big fan of Rachmaninov, although lately the species has been discovered listening to contemporary works from Phillip Glass. One of the best ways to tell what sort of bird you are looking at is to check its CD collection.
Another distinguishing feature of birds, or wildfowl as they are known, is the gigantic pair of wings that frequently protrude from their bodies. Wings consist of two very large feathers that go up and down in a process known to the scientific community as ‘flapping.’ As one goes up the other goes down, and through this intuitive harnessing of one of the key principles of physics (Einstein’s theory of relativity – ‘what goes up must come down’), they have mastered the power of flight. Often you will find a pigeon flying around the engine of a Boeing 747 or until very recently a Concorde. Concorde itself is part bird, part plane, like superman. There are many different species of birds, outlined in further detail below, but some favourites are the mallard, the ostrich and the Boeing 747.

Cabanos

2007-07-13T13:22:00.000+01:00

A spicy sausage that you can stay in, like a holiday chalet.

Spam

2007-07-11T17:17:00.000+01:00

Unsolicited advertising by email. The name derives from an advertising campaign by the British Board of Meat Marketing in the early 1950s, which involved posting envelopes of processed meat through the letterboxes of thousands of British households. After hundreds of complaints and two minor acts of arson, the campaign was withdrawn.

Jelly Roll Morton

2007-07-09T18:08:00.000+01:00

Born Ferdinand Josef Mortenburg in imperial Vienna in the early 18th Century, 'Jelly Roll' Morton became one of the pioneers of Jazz in the years leading up to the First World War. He later turned his attention to physics, becoming one of the leading lights in the rush to develop nuclear weapons during the late 1930s. Working closely with his brothers Swiss Roll and Bog Roll, he was on the point of unveiling the first atom bomb when his work was cut short by his untimely death in 1941 following a overdose of jazz flute.

Fantastic Mr Dr Fox

2007-07-04T18:00:00.000+01:00

Before he received his honorary doctorate from the Queen, (Dr) Neil Fox worked in the secret service, successfully completing a record number of missions in South America, China, the Middle East, the former USSR and Yorkshire.
On leaving the shady world of international espionage, he went into radio, and has presented popular shows on Capital Radio and Magic FM, as well as some TV game shows and stuff.

He is not a fox; he is in fact a man like you or me.

Fruitbowl

2007-07-04T17:57:00.001+01:00

See fruitbat.

Fruitbat

2007-07-03T17:36:00.000+01:00

A forerunner of the modern game of cricket. One player stands in front of an upright target or wicket with a wooden club or bat. Another player, the bowler, throws a fruit towards the wicket, normally an apple or orange, but a banana, a grape or a watermelon could be used depending on availability. The first player must hit the fruit away so that it doesn't strike the wicket.

See also fruitbowl.

Soups

2007-07-03T17:33:00.000+01:00

The ancients believed there were four soups that governed human behaviour. These were Minestrone, Mushroom, Chicken, and (of course) Cream of Tomato.

Humours

2007-07-03T17:31:00.000+01:00

The ancients believed there were four humours which governed human behaviour. These were slapstick, surrealism, sexual innuendo and sarcasm.

Ebenezer Tree

2007-06-20T17:58:00.001+01:00

The only scientifically authenticated exception to the rule that money does not grow on trees. Found in parts of Highland Scotland.

Shamen

2007-06-20T17:50:00.000+01:00

The male organ of a flower. In 1992 a botanist recorded the microscopic sounds made by a number of different varieties and released what became the first hit single based entirely on noises made by plants. The song also made reference to the rare Ebenezer Tree with the line "Ebenezer Trees are good".

Mice

2007-06-06T17:38:00.000+01:00

Mice is the plural of moose. For centuries mice were considered vermin, until it was discovered in the 20th Century that mice have magical powers.
Elephants are afraid of mice, which is why they have never become computer literate.

The Queen

2007-06-02T19:27:00.000+01:00

The current Queen, Elizabeth II, was elevated to the post of Head of State in 1953 after inventing the concept of monarchy as part of a GCSE project. Since then she has made a name for herself on the darts circuit, and takes time out to wave from carriages and open things. She still runs the same cucumber sandwich shop opened by her father Don King in 1932. Her favourite colour is aubergine and her favourite Beatle was Noel.

Paracetamol

2007-06-02T19:20:00.001+01:00

A pain-killer, or analgaesic. Also known as George's Marvellous Medicine, after its discoverer George Washington.