Police

The British police force was founded in the 19^th Century for the purpose of crowd control at public executions and Queen-worshipping events.  Dressed in tweed and sporting a remarkably tall top hat, a policeman was a dapper addition to every street corner.  The hat was the policeman’s secret weapon, containing a periscope, a stick, a brandy flask, a pencil case, a whistle (for umpiring urchin-races) and a thinking pipe (for partaking of tobacco while puzzling over the latest daring escapade by a dashing gentleman thief).

In the early days, policemen were known as ‘bobbies’ because the standard police haircut was an attractive bob.  Their stylish look led to them being called pigs, which was an acronym for People in Glamorous Suits.  They were also known as ‘coppers’ because they could be rented at a reasonable rate of 1d for 20 minutes or 2d for an hour.  This led to another nickname, ‘peelers’, since policemen were often hired by busy housewives to help with food preparation.

The police have changed substantially since the early days.  Modern police constables carry gamma rays and can interrogate suspects through telepathy.   They are trained in a wide range of skills from victim support (‘They stole your legs! Let me get you a chair’) to kettling, which is making tea for protestors.

Jazz

(noun, pl. Jazzies)

Jazz was born in a wooden shack in Louisiana in the 1920s.  After a classical education it dropped out of university before graduating, and went on to establish itself as the most adventurous and esoteric of the musical genres.  Indeed, many Jazz* musicians aver that Jazz is not a musical genre; it is rather a state of mind, a way of being, a feeling.  They are wrong; it is a musical genre.  Nonetheless it has given rise to many great artists such as drummer Archie ‘The Artillery Section’ Leamington, trumpeter Bert ‘T.S. Eliot’ Brrzzzzyzzzczynski and controversial avant garde trombonist Lilith Jones, known as Lethal Jizzle to her frenemies. 

Jazz musicians are athletes, comparable with thoroughbred racehorses, champion boxers or the new breed of high-ranking gymnastic librarians.  Prior to a gig, a musician’s hands are warmed in heated gloves, similar to the tyre warmers used in Formula 1 motor racing.  During the gig, the musician has a team of 10-15 support staff on hand to provide a constant supply of digestive biscuits, energy drinks and ‘Jazz Cigarettes’ (cigarettes that have been injected with Jazz particles).  It is strenuous work, and following a long gig the Jazzician often recuperates curled up in a warm nest of shredded paper for up to two months.

* According to rules set down by the 14^th Combined Jazz Council and Committee for the Monitoring of Anti-Jazz Activities in 1935, Jazz must always be spelt with a capitalised J, and often with a capitalised second Z and a silent third Z in 5/6 time, thus “JazZ…z”

Ninjas

Ninjas are a species of ghost bred for the purpose of assassination and other nefarious deeds. It is said that a ninja is able to move like the cat, glide like the owl, bark like the dog and sing like the moth. No-one ever hears a ninja's approach, because he stealthily places earmuffs on the watchmen and guards as he passes by.

A ninja carries deadly weapons of stealth, such as the death star - a huge planet which can shoot other planets with a laser - or the nun-chuck, which can chuck nuns. He dresses in black, because it is flattering to the figure, and covers his face with a mask to prevent freckling.

When a ninja strikes, it is always to kill. Occasionally the victim may escape with psychological damage and bodily wounding. These are referred to as 'ninjuries'.

Wizards

Wizards are men who perform magic. They are learned in arcane and esoteric lore, and are able to perform spells in peculiar languages that you or I could not hope to understand, such as Glaswegian.

A wizard normally has a staff, because even a powerful magician requires a small team to run his back office functions. He dresses in a sort of brightly coloured poncho called a 'robe', which is decorated in astrological signs and mystical symbols such as the pentagram and the ancient sygil that means 'no smoking'. In the capacious folds of this robe are secreted wizardly items (known as 'wizquipment') such as magical tomes, spare wands, beard wax, snacks and a library card.

Wizards also wear pointy hats which are decorated with stars and moons. When set to 'soft glow' mode, these act as comforting nightlights for young wizards who are afraid to sleep in the dark.

Letters

Letters are the constituent parts of the written word, where each letter represents a different sound, such as '  ' or '  '.   The collective noun for a flock of letters is an alphabet.  There are 26 letters in common usage in written English, but in fact the full version of the English alphabet contains almost 300 letters; most of these are rarely used, being both silent and invisible.

The following, in order of appearance in Jane Austen's classic novel Men and Menstruation, are the most commonly used household letters, such as one might find in any regular coffee table book or hairdryer instruction manual:

- Bb or B flat is the silent B, which occurs in words such as 'bomb' (pronounced 'om').
- Q is an unnecessary letter, which could easily be replaced by K, but it is often said that the English like to form a Q out of politeness. 
- T is the opposite of S.   It is the most widely-used drink in the English alphabet.
- W is named ‘Double U', or ‘U2' for short, but it is in fact two Vs conjoined and is therefore worth ten.

Since a Royal Mail rule change in 2007, the price of sending a letter in the UK has varied according to the letter's size.   This means that the cost of sending a large X to an aunt in Inverness would be upwards of 92 pence.*   Pre-2007 letters are now obsolete, but one could use any found lying about the house to make alphabet soup, which should be served cold, like revenge or gazpacho.

*ie, 93 pence.

The Prodigy

The Prodigy are a man who produced a number of dance music hits in the 1990s and two thousands. Among their hits is the controversial single Smack My Biscuits.

The term 'child prodigy' is unrelated, and means an angry child who dances in tunnels and has funny hair.

Jobs

These days, nearly everyone has a job, although jobs are less popular in times of recession. A job is a method of filling the dull time between having breakfast and having dinner, unless you work a night shift in which case it fills the time between pudding and having a morning wee.

Here are some jobs that people do:

Dentists
Dentists smell of mints and have a unique number for every single tooth in the world. If they ask you to say ‘R’, be careful not to growl as it gets their hackles up.

Astronauts
Astronauts wear suits made of a special material that repels space invaders. In space, no one can eat ice cream.

Butchers
Butchers do the unpleasant job of separating meat from the animal that has kindly looked after it for the last year or two. Butchers have great vocabularies, and have invented nice words especially for bits of animals that you wouldn’t like to eat, like chitterlings, giblets and sweetbreads, because beasticles, gormenghastlies and danglepieces don’t sound very appetising.

Sailors
Sailors are really friendly, so if you see one you should say, ‘Hello sailor.’ If a sailor offers to show you his hornpipe, you should politely decline, since their mazurka is normally much better.