Police

The British police force was founded in the 19^th Century for the purpose of crowd control at public executions and Queen-worshipping events.  Dressed in tweed and sporting a remarkably tall top hat, a policeman was a dapper addition to every street corner.  The hat was the policeman’s secret weapon, containing a periscope, a stick, a brandy flask, a pencil case, a whistle (for umpiring urchin-races) and a thinking pipe (for partaking of tobacco while puzzling over the latest daring escapade by a dashing gentleman thief).

In the early days, policemen were known as ‘bobbies’ because the standard police haircut was an attractive bob.  Their stylish look led to them being called pigs, which was an acronym for People in Glamorous Suits.  They were also known as ‘coppers’ because they could be rented at a reasonable rate of 1d for 20 minutes or 2d for an hour.  This led to another nickname, ‘peelers’, since policemen were often hired by busy housewives to help with food preparation.

The police have changed substantially since the early days.  Modern police constables carry gamma rays and can interrogate suspects through telepathy.   They are trained in a wide range of skills from victim support (‘They stole your legs! Let me get you a chair’) to kettling, which is making tea for protestors.

Jazz

(noun, pl. Jazzies)

Jazz was born in a wooden shack in Louisiana in the 1920s.  After a classical education it dropped out of university before graduating, and went on to establish itself as the most adventurous and esoteric of the musical genres.  Indeed, many Jazz* musicians aver that Jazz is not a musical genre; it is rather a state of mind, a way of being, a feeling.  They are wrong; it is a musical genre.  Nonetheless it has given rise to many great artists such as drummer Archie ‘The Artillery Section’ Leamington, trumpeter Bert ‘T.S. Eliot’ Brrzzzzyzzzczynski and controversial avant garde trombonist Lilith Jones, known as Lethal Jizzle to her frenemies. 

Jazz musicians are athletes, comparable with thoroughbred racehorses, champion boxers or the new breed of high-ranking gymnastic librarians.  Prior to a gig, a musician’s hands are warmed in heated gloves, similar to the tyre warmers used in Formula 1 motor racing.  During the gig, the musician has a team of 10-15 support staff on hand to provide a constant supply of digestive biscuits, energy drinks and ‘Jazz Cigarettes’ (cigarettes that have been injected with Jazz particles).  It is strenuous work, and following a long gig the Jazzician often recuperates curled up in a warm nest of shredded paper for up to two months.

* According to rules set down by the 14^th Combined Jazz Council and Committee for the Monitoring of Anti-Jazz Activities in 1935, Jazz must always be spelt with a capitalised J, and often with a capitalised second Z and a silent third Z in 5/6 time, thus “JazZ…z”