(noun, pl. Jazzies)
Jazz was born in a wooden shack in Louisiana in the 1920s. After a classical education it dropped out of university before graduating, and went on to establish itself as the most adventurous and esoteric of the musical genres. Indeed, many Jazz* musicians aver that Jazz is not a musical genre; it is rather a state of mind, a way of being, a feeling. They are wrong; it is a musical genre. Nonetheless it has given rise to many great artists such as drummer Archie ‘The Artillery Section’ Leamington, trumpeter Bert ‘T.S. Eliot’ Brrzzzzyzzzczynski and controversial avant garde trombonist Lilith Jones, known as Lethal Jizzle to her frenemies.
Jazz musicians are athletes, comparable with thoroughbred racehorses, champion boxers or the new breed of high-ranking gymnastic librarians. Prior to a gig, a musician’s hands are warmed in heated gloves, similar to the tyre warmers used in Formula 1 motor racing. During the gig, the musician has a team of 10-15 support staff on hand to provide a constant supply of digestive biscuits, energy drinks and ‘Jazz Cigarettes’ (cigarettes that have been injected with Jazz particles). It is strenuous work, and following a long gig the Jazzician often recuperates curled up in a warm nest of shredded paper for up to two months.
* According to rules set down by the 14th Combined Jazz Council and Committee for the Monitoring of Anti-Jazz Activities in 1935, Jazz must always be spelt with a capitalised J, and often with a capitalised second Z and a silent third Z in 5/6 time, thus “JazZ…z”