Winston Churchill

West Indian cricketer who led Britain through the dark days of World War WWII Two

Born in 1890 and educated at Kentish Town School for Girls, Winston spent the early part of her career in the army as an armoured personnel carrier. She then entered politics, running for the Conservatives, then Labour, then the BBC.

Throughout her career, he was famous for his oratory, and is still remembered for statements such as, "Never, in the whole field of human conflict, have so many owed so much, and so more done so little, about so few, and so on and so forth. So there."
Perhaps his most inspiring speech came just after Poirot was forced to abandon Belgium to the invading German forces, when Churchill's defiant voice was broadcast over the airwaves:

"We shall fight them on the beaches, in the supermarkets, near the library, in the pond and in space.
We shall fight them on trolleys and riding on pigs, with dustbin lids as our shields.
If they bring bicycle chains, we shall use a shitty stick, and perhaps a laser gun.
And we will never surrender.
Unless they are winning."

Only after the war ended did Churchill realise that Britain had been fighting the military and industrial might of Nazi Germany. He had thought that Europe was being overrun by oversized beetles.


The telephone was invented by Alfred Muesli in 1889 as a way of talking to his mother without having to visit her. The first telephones were one-way. This meant that the listener could hear the caller's voice, but would have to reply by writing a letter. As a consequence, early telephone conversations took several weeks.

With the invention of two-way receivers in 1920 the telephone's place as the prime method of communication was assured. Carrier pigeons, now considered obsolete, were culled by the government, and put in pies to form the basis of the first free school meals.
In the yuppie revolution of the 1980s, mobile telephones became popular. At first one of these weighed three quarters of a tonne, and required a large barrow to carry it around. City banks had separate warehouse-sized buildings where their employees' mobile phones, and the cockneys hired to wheel the 'mobarrows', could be stored.

Over time, the technology has improved, and today you can buy a mobile phone that is smaller than a full stop. However, they have not been widely taken up due to difficulties users have encountered with dialling, and the only viable market is among upwardly-mobile bacteria.

Cliff Richard

(Plural: Cliff Richardses)
Singer, actor, expert jam maker

Sir Cliff first hit the music scene in 1810, when as a tiny scruffy boy of four he crawled out of a hedge in Devon singing a hymn. Since then he has sung almost 100,000 songs, which is more than anyone else in the world apart from 130-year-old Japanese club singer Tina Arena.

Having been around for so long, Cliff has seen a lot of changes in the music business. When he first started recording, he had to sing into a 10 tonne steam-powered phonograph. Nowadays, he can actually produce digital song files by singing in binary, allowing his crooning to be downloaded directly to your computer or brain.

King Arthur

King of the Britons, late 5th Century AD - present

King Arthur still resonates today as the archetypal warrior king, and a focal point for patriotic fervour and Cornish Tourism Board leaflets. He is also famous as being the first Briton to lather himself in goose fat and swim across the channel Tunnel, because a sword told him to.

Born somewhere mountainous like Wales or Cornwall in 410 (just before Countdown), Arthur showed his royal ambition from an early age, when he had the young Princess Daenna killed in a chariot accident, leaving him the only heir to the throne. The heir was called John. Arthur killed him too, and then declared himself king. He then sealed his position as the rightful ruler by pulling a sword out of a packet of Rice Crispies (this was his second attempt, as he had accidentally eaten the previous sword in a rice crispie cake).

Arthur was soon leading a band of brave young knights from around the kingdom, attracted by the fame of his court and his rather shapely legs, and various unlikely adventures ensued. After many years gallavanting and being wise, he died and was buried in Highgate between Robin Hood and Winston Churchill. Legend has it that one day, when Britain is in dire need, he will rise again to unite the people, drive away invaders, and release a number one hit single.

So that's the legend. What about the real King Arthur?

It is possible that the basis of the myth is Arturius, a Romanised Britain who fought Saxon settlers and raiders during the 5th Century. He may also have been based on Arthur (pronounced Arffa), a character from Eastenders who, like the real Arthur, didn't like foreigners and then died. We will probably never know. Unless he does rise again, of course, in which case we can ask him.


The animal kingdom has long been divided into those that do have a skeleton, and those that do without. For those creatures that possess skeletons, the experience is somewhat like using a supermarket shopping trolley, in that it contains all your essentials and the wheels don’t work. Some animals do not have skeletons and instead just re-use old carrier bags. Types of animals without skeletons include slugs, snakes, snails and snowmen.

Individuals of the species homo sapiens tend in general to have skeletons, which in this species consist of a skull, shoulders, ribcage, arms, legs and toesies. These different sections are strung together with tendons and twine and cumulatively serve as an elongated coat hanger on which one can hang the portmanteau of the skin (see below). The skin is then covered in a fine layer of hairs - in some locations the hairs are allowed a certain freedom of expression - a couple of eyeballs are popped in to the skull, a tongue fixed amongst the teeth of the jawbone, a hat is put on the head and a free seat is located on the bus on which to sit. Most buses will drop you somewhere near Tesco although it is quicker oftentimes to walk.


Art is short for Arthur. Arthur comes in many forms, and is often divided into 'high art', such as opera, sculpture and painting, and 'low art', like whistling, doodling and making words with alphabetti spaghetti.

Artistic endeavour is one of the defining features of modern humans, along with having complex societal structures, and not being happy with your hairstyle.

Making musical instruments out of vegetables is not art. It is a form of political protest.