Jazz

(noun, pl. Jazzies)

Jazz was born in a wooden shack in Louisiana in the 1920s.  After a classical education it dropped out of university before graduating, and went on to establish itself as the most adventurous and esoteric of the musical genres.  Indeed, many Jazz* musicians aver that Jazz is not a musical genre; it is rather a state of mind, a way of being, a feeling.  They are wrong; it is a musical genre.  Nonetheless it has given rise to many great artists such as drummer Archie ‘The Artillery Section’ Leamington, trumpeter Bert ‘T.S. Eliot’ Brrzzzzyzzzczynski and controversial avant garde trombonist Lilith Jones, known as Lethal Jizzle to her frenemies. 

Jazz musicians are athletes, comparable with thoroughbred racehorses, champion boxers or the new breed of high-ranking gymnastic librarians.  Prior to a gig, a musician’s hands are warmed in heated gloves, similar to the tyre warmers used in Formula 1 motor racing.  During the gig, the musician has a team of 10-15 support staff on hand to provide a constant supply of digestive biscuits, energy drinks and ‘Jazz Cigarettes’ (cigarettes that have been injected with Jazz particles).  It is strenuous work, and following a long gig the Jazzician often recuperates curled up in a warm nest of shredded paper for up to two months.

* According to rules set down by the 14^th Combined Jazz Council and Committee for the Monitoring of Anti-Jazz Activities in 1935, Jazz must always be spelt with a capitalised J, and often with a capitalised second Z and a silent third Z in 5/6 time, thus “JazZ…z”

Animals

'Animal' describes any living organism that is neither a plant nor a mineral; in fact, minerals are dead, so effectively an animal is anything that isn't a plant. Animals are also known as creatures, beasties and 'meat trolleys'.

There are characteristics common to all animals: they breathe, they eat, they reproduce, they wear sunglasses, and they can be trained to do circus tricks.
In addition, all animals have superpowers.

Surprisingly, animals have differing opinions about foreign policy.

Some popular animals you may have heard of:

Dogs

Dogs are one of the earliest known domesticated animals, and today many are trained to hoover, make dinner and even work the dishwasher. Many dogs are talented percussionists, and canine drummers have a particularly strong presence in 20th Century classical music and jazz.
Dogs are descended from wolves, and indeed many still turn into humans every full moon.

Sheep

Sheep, like dogs, have been part of the menagerie (a type of dessert) of domesticated animals for millenia.
Sheep have 4 legs, sweet tasting wool and empty, soulless eyes. They live in burrows underground and only emerge to graze, breed or hunt.
Sheep can read minds.

Cats

All cats are gay. They are also skilled carpenters, shaping wood using saws, chisels, and finishing by using their tongues as sandpaper.
Cats can see ghosts, but don't find them very interesting.

Mammoths

Mammoths are made entirely of hair and tusks. They are extremely hardy creatures, built to cope with cold climates and harsh conditions, but as their habitat began to recede at the end of the last Ice Age the survival of the species was in doubt.
Consequently, a herd of several thousand mammoths was sent to colonise Mars, and a healthy population lives on the cold red planet to this day.
Mammoths can start fires by emitting laser from their eyes.

Jelly Roll Morton

Born Ferdinand Josef Mortenburg in imperial Vienna in the early 18th Century, 'Jelly Roll' Morton became one of the pioneers of Jazz in the years leading up to the First World War. He later turned his attention to physics, becoming one of the leading lights in the rush to develop nuclear weapons during the late 1930s. Working closely with his brothers Swiss Roll and Bog Roll, he was on the point of unveiling the first atom bomb when his work was cut short by his untimely death in 1941 following a overdose of jazz flute.