The Compass

A compass is a device that travellers often use to aid orientation.

It is like a watch, but for space instead of time, and you don't need to wind it up.

The four points of the compass are Nobbins, Eck!, Sompft and Wohag.
You can remember the points of the compass by never eating shredded wheat, as constipation is a proven aid to memory. If you must have your roughage from elsewhere, you could try eating hay, or perhaps bristles.

Usage

One uses a compass by drawing around it to create a circle, or by drawing around a pair of compasses to create two circles (Fig. 1).
As every schoolgirl knows, a circle always points north. This allows you to orientate yourself easily, provided that you want to go north.

Other methods to discover north include eating the moss from one side of a tree, or looking at a map, or by travelling to the south pole and then going north.

Fruit

"Fruit, glorious fruit!" as the song goes. We all know what fruit is, but do you ever wonder what it is?
Well, fruit has been around longer than the dinosaurs, as we know from fossilised fruit bowls found in the Gulf of Mexico. A fruit is sort of like a brightly coloured sack of jelly, within which seeds are stored. Animals, such as sparrows, gorillas or children eat the fruit, and discard the seeds or swallow them. The seeds, thrown aside or passed in the sparrow/gorilla/child's digestive waste, will with luck fall on fertile ground and grow into a healthy plant. This is the way many plants choose to propagate themselves, as it is cheaper than having babies.

Some of the more common fruits are:

Apple
Apples contain pips, which make a sort of beeping sound. There are hundreds of varieties of apples, including Hitler, Something for the Weekend, Chanel No 5, Motorhead, Bertram's Sigh, and Peeping Turtle.

Bananas
Bananas are in fact naturally straight, and grow in regimented lines 3 deep. The current curved shape only became popular during the 18th Century when bananas were used as masques and headpieces at society balls. A banana was launched into space in the late 1950s as part of the Russian space programme, as it was thought to be the fruit that most resembles human physiognomy.

Pear
The pear can only be harvested in the full moon, otherwise it withers to dust on picking. Pears are particularly useful in cooking; if sliced in half they can be used as paperweights to hold open the pages of the cookbook. 'Pear' is cockney rhyming slang for apple.

Melon
Melons are so named because they come from the same plant as honey (mel) is made from. Melons come in all shapes and sizes, from tennis ball to bowling ball, and there is one variety shaped exactly like a duck. As the Elizabethan tongue-twister had it, "My melon's more merry than a mummified mirkin (quack quack)". The melon is the only fruit that can scream.