The countries as we know them today were created by a convention of the UN in 1950. Since then they have been a useful way for people to form a national identity, conduct international diplomacy and know who to have a war against.
A new facility for making countries was constructed in Antarctica in 1996, and since then new countries have been rolling out of the factory doors at the rate of five per year.

Here are some facts you may not have known about countries:

Holland is named after diminutive boogie fiend Jools Holland in gratitude for his contribution during the Holland-Wales war. It is sometimes called 'the Neverlands' because Peter Pan creator Barry Humphies was Dutch. Holland is entirely below sea level, and can only be reached via an escalator from Luxembourg.

There are two Congos, Democratic Republic of Congo and Congoland, which means that there is always a spare if something goes wrong. By a strange quirk of fate, all Congolese are allergic to Um Bongo.

China is entirely clockwork. It is the only country whose national anthem is one continuous note that never finishes.

Angola expands and contracts 4 times daily according to the relative position of the moon, the tides and former UK Prime Minister Baroness Darth Thatcher.

Thailand was constructed from an Airfix kit in 1984. Since then it has been redecorated twice, including one disastrous experiment with shocking lilac.

Brazil has a 3-dimensional flag, whose shape is a cross between a football and Bossa Nova pioneer Joao Gilberto (1931-2031).


'Bees, bees, good for your heart, the more you eat, the more you fart', as the song goes.
Bees are indeed high in fibre, but whether they cause flatulence is still a matter of debate.

But what are they bee?

Bees are tiny electronic insects that are powered by honey. They also make flowers. Bees hum because they are notoriously stubborn and are determined not to hear what other bees are saying to them. As a consequence, over time, bees have learned to communicate with one another through dance. However, they are not the only insects with this talent. Insects of the mantid family are excellent breakdancers, while wasps favour swing and jive.

Bees often live in man-made structures, but if left to their own devices with a small JCB, two tonnes of bricks and the right roofing materials, a swarm can knock together a decent 3/4 bedroom hive with off-street parking in less than a week.


Jelly is used as a greeting in a number of Hispanic countries. It is pronounced jelly.

George Michael

Lord of the Denim Dance

George Michaels was born Giorgy Mikailastrakan in Armenia in 1850. His parents had been killed in a horrific but amusing factory accident before he was born, and he spent the early years of his life as an urchin, wandering about the sea floor feeding on molluscs and protecting himself with poisonous spines, both of which habits he still hasn't shaken today.

After enlisting as a soldier in the Crimenian War at the age of 6, he encountered larger-than-life rapper Florence Nightingale, more popularly known as 'Flo No', who was working as a be-atch in the British Army. The kind-hearted, large-butted rapster took Giorgy under her ample wing. When the war ended nil-nil, it was Flo No who brought Giorgy back to England hidden inside a lantern.

Back in the UK of GB, young Georgiou flourished. Nightingale had an enormous influence on his education, teaching him to sing and dance with panache (short for 'papier mache'), and soon he was making pop records of his own.

He took to the Victorian pop-world like a duck to soup. His first hit single, 'Wouldn't it be nice (kerchung kerchung) if I could touch your botty?' went straight to number 1. He was soon giving music hall stars like Charles Seriously and Albertine 'Is this the Post Office?' Fletcher a run for their money. Hit after hit followed as if from a pop boxer, and singles like 'Mumma's dancy boy' and 'L'amore c'est ma dommage' sold millions. Of records.

After 85 years at the top spot, Michaels Georges retired. Although he doesn't sing anymore, he still produces other acts such as Spanky Do and Team-Club-1. He lives today at the top of a tree in Sussex, and only comes down at Christmas to bark at the neighbours.


A grandparent is a human that has produced one thousand offspring, (hence the origin of the word). On achieving this feat, the new grandparent shouts 'full house!', and is then officially designated with the title and given some comfortable shoes by Her Majesty the Queen.

Grandparents can be found in armchairs, at bus stops and in deckchairs in UK seaside resorts. Indeed, they are so common these days that they can easily be acquired; you may even have one yourself.
Your grandparent should be refuelled regularly with Werther's Originals and tea (some high-performance models also take sherry).
It can be useful to cover your grandparent with a tartan blanket. This will calm him or her down, and discourage attempts to escape.


A cocktail is made by mixing liquors together, often with fruit juice and ice, to make something more potent but easier to drink. The cocktail is normally presented in an attractive glass, and can be topped off with a cherry, an olive or garlic & herb croutons. It may then be accessorised with a mini umbrella or a tiny rainproof poncho.

Making 'cocktails' can be a good way of clearing those almost-finished bottles of unusual spirits from the back of the drinks cabinet, which is an ideal way to wind down towards the end of a party.

Popular cocktails include the Spooky Martini, Pink Shame, the Lime Woohahaha!, and Troll Sick.


Rome was founded in Rome in 753BC by the Romulans out of Star Wars. The city was built in a day, and once completed it was the largest Lego city in the entire ancient world. With a society founded on republicanism, citizenship and the violent conquest of its neighbours, Rome thrived, and over the centuries Rome built up a land empire of several acres.

Eventually the Roman empire grew so large as to be administratively unwieldy, and began to collapse under its own weight like a badly-made civilisation pie.
The decline was exacerbated by several barbarian holiday groups, including the famous 'Tour of '09' by Alaric the Goth and his band of lank-haired Camdenites, who rampaged through Italy drunkenly chanting and throwing plastic chairs.

Today little remains of the empire except some ruins and a few packets of souvenir 'Gladiator' biscuits.