Eg. "He has fishfingers"
Used to describe a person who has a demonstrable affinity with cats.


"Fruit, glorious fruit!" as the song goes. We all know what fruit is, but do you ever wonder what it is?
Well, fruit has been around longer than the dinosaurs, as we know from fossilised fruit bowls found in the Gulf of Mexico. A fruit is sort of like a brightly coloured sack of jelly, within which seeds are stored. Animals, such as sparrows, gorillas or children eat the fruit, and discard the seeds or swallow them. The seeds, thrown aside or passed in the sparrow/gorilla/child's digestive waste, will with luck fall on fertile ground and grow into a healthy plant. This is the way many plants choose to propagate themselves, as it is cheaper than having babies.

Some of the more common fruits are:

Apples contain pips, which make a sort of beeping sound. There are hundreds of varieties of apples, including Hitler, Something for the Weekend, Chanel No 5, Motorhead, Bertram's Sigh, and Peeping Turtle.

Bananas are in fact naturally straight, and grow in regimented lines 3 deep. The current curved shape only became popular during the 18th Century when bananas were used as masques and headpieces at society balls. A banana was launched into space in the late 1950s as part of the Russian space programme, as it was thought to be the fruit that most resembles human physiognomy.

The pear can only be harvested in the full moon, otherwise it withers to dust on picking. Pears are particularly useful in cooking; if sliced in half they can be used as paperweights to hold open the pages of the cookbook. 'Pear' is cockney rhyming slang for apple.

Melons are so named because they come from the same plant as honey (mel) is made from. Melons come in all shapes and sizes, from tennis ball to bowling ball, and there is one variety shaped exactly like a duck. As the Elizabethan tongue-twister had it, "My melon's more merry than a mummified mirkin (quack quack)". The melon is the only fruit that can scream.


The term vegetable is used to describe any edible plant, or part of a plant, just as 'sausage' is used to describe any edible, or inedible, part of a pig.
There are a great many varieties of vegetable. Some, like the swede, the turnip, the parsnip and the catnip are grown underground, like tube trains. Vegetables can also be the edible stem, leaves or smell of a plant.
The word vegetable is from the ancient Greek.

Some common vegetables:

The tomato was invented by crossing a Thompson's Gazelle with a potato. Tomato seeds are the only seeds that can grow in space. The tomato is the national symbol of Venezuela.

Reputedly introduced into Britain from Lapland by Father Christmas, so that his reindeer would have something to eat during postal strikes. It is well known, however, that carrots are not native to Lapland, the home of the Reindeer/Kris Kringle partnership. This casts their origins into doubt. It is possible that carrots were created by elves, or even that they do not exist at all.

Contrary to popular belief, the cauliflower is neither a flower nor a dog. It is in fact a bacterium of the genus Spachococcus. Best eaten with baked beans or fine wine, or both.

Also known as Puccini (US English). The courgette is a popular houseplant due its bright flowers and carnivorous floating seedpods which can clear a room of flies and small pets in minutes. Courgettes are the only vegetable which doesn't float in milky tea.

A member of the brassica family along with the cabbage, the lettuce and the tuba. 'Sprout' is cockney rhyming slang for public transport.


“Food is the stuff that dreams are made of,” wrote William Shakespeare, in his play A Midsummer Night’s Picnic. The playwright referred to the deep and detailed relationship between what is known as ‘food’ and the average human psyche. Food is the remnants of ancient spacedust that was shod from space bolides many millions of aeons ago, and has come to be found in supermarkets, fridges or picnic hampers. By placing these items into one’s mouth, and chewing, swallowing and digesting, energy can be obtained for the body. This energy can then be used to move the body around, hoover in one hand, walkie talkie in the other, going commando as you do the housework. One must be careful as to what sort of food one consumes however, as certain foods have been known to trigger allergies that can result in a person becoming quite dangerously ill. Some people, for example, are allergic to wasps. Other people are allergic to tables. For these people, it is wise to avoid such foods and the medical establishment recommend they carry a packet of Polos with them at all times in case of emergency. Other important attributes of food are taste, smell, sight and sound. These are explained in more detail below.