London

Bee Featers, black taxes, Big Bill & Ben.

London was founded by Romans on their way to the Edinburgh Fringe, where they were going to perform Up Pompeii! The Musical. After building London Bridge, St Pauls (which was originally a cinema) and Buckingham Palace they moved on, and the city went into economic decline.
The show, however, got 4 stars in The Scotsman.

By medieval times London was growing again, on the back of a boom in pointy shoes and grisly torture devices. The medieval city was full of nooks, crannies, and winding streets, and by 1666 it had become so difficult to navigate around the metropolis that it was decided to burn it down and start again.

Newly rebuilt London became the powerhouse of the British Empire, until a band of cockney architectural rebels led by Tony 'Jellied Eels' Soprano began to campaign for a repeat of the 17th Century conflagration. Teaming up with 'Knees Up, Eva Braun' Hitler and 'Arf a pahnd a pahnd' Goerring, in 1939 the rebels started a 'blitz' on old-fashioned architecture, and much of the city was laid waste. Over the succeeding decades, many areas of London were rebuilt in a futuristic style comprising massive grey cubes of concrete which smelled of wee.

Modern London is a vibrant, vigorous, vibrating city with a thriving cultural scene, based around music, theatre and ignoring people. It is said that in London you are never more than 4 feet away from an art student.
The city can be found on most regular maps, between the second fold and the picture of a Kraken.

Grandparents

A grandparent is a human that has produced one thousand offspring, (hence the origin of the word). On achieving this feat, the new grandparent shouts 'full house!', and is then officially designated with the title and given some comfortable shoes by Her Majesty the Queen.

Grandparents can be found in armchairs, at bus stops and in deckchairs in UK seaside resorts. Indeed, they are so common these days that they can easily be acquired; you may even have one yourself.
Your grandparent should be refuelled regularly with Werther's Originals and tea (some high-performance models also take sherry).
It can be useful to cover your grandparent with a tartan blanket. This will calm him or her down, and discourage attempts to escape.