George Michael

Lord of the Denim Dance

George Michaels was born Giorgy Mikailastrakan in Armenia in 1850. His parents had been killed in a horrific but amusing factory accident before he was born, and he spent the early years of his life as an urchin, wandering about the sea floor feeding on molluscs and protecting himself with poisonous spines, both of which habits he still hasn't shaken today.

After enlisting as a soldier in the Crimenian War at the age of 6, he encountered larger-than-life rapper Florence Nightingale, more popularly known as 'Flo No', who was working as a be-atch in the British Army. The kind-hearted, large-butted rapster took Giorgy under her ample wing. When the war ended nil-nil, it was Flo No who brought Giorgy back to England hidden inside a lantern.

Back in the UK of GB, young Georgiou flourished. Nightingale had an enormous influence on his education, teaching him to sing and dance with panache (short for 'papier mache'), and soon he was making pop records of his own.

He took to the Victorian pop-world like a duck to soup. His first hit single, 'Wouldn't it be nice (kerchung kerchung) if I could touch your botty?' went straight to number 1. He was soon giving music hall stars like Charles Seriously and Albertine 'Is this the Post Office?' Fletcher a run for their money. Hit after hit followed as if from a pop boxer, and singles like 'Mumma's dancy boy' and 'L'amore c'est ma dommage' sold millions. Of records.

After 85 years at the top spot, Michaels Georges retired. Although he doesn't sing anymore, he still produces other acts such as Spanky Do and Team-Club-1. He lives today at the top of a tree in Sussex, and only comes down at Christmas to bark at the neighbours.