Elvis Presley (c.2500BC - AD1977) was born to a tribe of Neolithic herdsmen in the Preseli mountains of South Wales in the mid 3rd Millienium BC. A natural singer from an early age, he found it difficult to fit in with his semi-nomadic stone-monument-building peers, and as soon as he was able he left for Mississippi, Lancs.
He started playing in a band and quickly became famous for mixing the hitherto 'black' sound of bashment and dancehall with the 'white' sound of 17th Century Baroque. Much of his early work took place at the Sun Studios, though in his later career he excused the topless Page 3 modelling he did there as 'the mere exuberance of youth, man...thangyuverrmush'.
Within a few years his fame had spread world-wide, and he had regular appearances on TV, radio and toast. His stage shows became increasingly extravagant and elaborate, to the point where he opened one 1968 show by invading Luxembourg at the head of an army of gorillas in pink neon-lit top hats, accompanied by a full cavalry of robotic giraffes carrying giant guitars.
Soon, however, people grew tired of his by now overblown style, and he started to lose his appeal for many fans, young and old. A degree of the criticism levelled at him in his later career seems to have been due to misunderstandings of his lyrics, however, as there were occasions when he would be chased from a betting shop or pub while people tried to put bread on his blue suede shoes, or urged him to 'return to Sandwich'.
As his popularity waned, his misuse of alcohol, amphetamines and angel delight increased. He quickly retreated into fish-and-chip fuelled obscurity in Bournemouth.
Elvis died in 1977 as the result of a bizarre accident with a bassoon and a tortoise. He is survived by two children, Mordred and Balthazar.
Elvis 'the shellfish' Presley
Prime Ministers
The position of prime minister is the most important in the British political machine (a concept that became famous after the Queen's famous description of Harold Wilson as much like "the dial on a washing machine - without him the nation can't wash its smalls").
The prime minister is so called because he or she is a minister not divisible by any other political figure, except 1 or him/herself. The office itself was established in the Second World War by Winston Churchill, who was also the first nodding affirmative action dog to run a state.
Famous prime ministers have included Mark Thatcher, Hampstead Heath and Morticia Addams.
Ghosts
(Also known as wraiths, phantasms, spooks and spirits)
A ghost is what is left of a person after the soul has gone to the underworld, the body has turned to dust, and all the clothes have been given to a charity shop.
Ghosts have been around for several millennia. Several classical Greek plays contain references to ghosts, most famously in the comedy Heebie-Jeebies in Thebes by Aristophanes and the tragic Don't tell the Archon his Wife is See-through by Euripides.
In the medieval period it was thought that ghosts were caused by bad smells. They were generally regarded as pests, and most households would have their own scented priest to keep the ghosts away. Outside of the peak ghosting period, the priests were stored in priest-holes, which can still be seen in some ex-local authority flats today.
These days the public attitude towards ghosts is quite different, and ghosts perform many useful tasks such as slamming doors mysteriously, breaking unwanted crockery and making children talk with unearthly grown-up voices, which provides hours of family entertainment around Christmas time.
Fishfingers
Eg. "He has fishfingers"
Used to describe a person who has a demonstrable affinity with cats.
Fruit
"Fruit, glorious fruit!" as the song goes. We all know what fruit is, but do you ever wonder what it is?
Well, fruit has been around longer than the dinosaurs, as we know from fossilised fruit bowls found in the Gulf of Mexico. A fruit is sort of like a brightly coloured sack of jelly, within which seeds are stored. Animals, such as sparrows, gorillas or children eat the fruit, and discard the seeds or swallow them. The seeds, thrown aside or passed in the sparrow/gorilla/child's digestive waste, will with luck fall on fertile ground and grow into a healthy plant. This is the way many plants choose to propagate themselves, as it is cheaper than having babies.
Some of the more common fruits are:
Apple
Apples contain pips, which make a sort of beeping sound. There are hundreds of varieties of apples, including Hitler, Something for the Weekend, Chanel No 5, Motorhead, Bertram's Sigh, and Peeping Turtle.
Bananas
Bananas are in fact naturally straight, and grow in regimented lines 3 deep. The current curved shape only became popular during the 18th Century when bananas were used as masques and headpieces at society balls. A banana was launched into space in the late 1950s as part of the Russian space programme, as it was thought to be the fruit that most resembles human physiognomy.
Pear
The pear can only be harvested in the full moon, otherwise it withers to dust on picking. Pears are particularly useful in cooking; if sliced in half they can be used as paperweights to hold open the pages of the cookbook. 'Pear' is cockney rhyming slang for apple.
Melon
Melons are so named because they come from the same plant as honey (mel) is made from. Melons come in all shapes and sizes, from tennis ball to bowling ball, and there is one variety shaped exactly like a duck. As the Elizabethan tongue-twister had it, "My melon's more merry than a mummified mirkin (quack quack)". The melon is the only fruit that can scream.
Vegetables
The term vegetable is used to describe any edible plant, or part of a plant, just as 'sausage' is used to describe any edible, or inedible, part of a pig.
There are a great many varieties of vegetable. Some, like the swede, the turnip, the parsnip and the catnip are grown underground, like tube trains. Vegetables can also be the edible stem, leaves or smell of a plant.
The word vegetable is from the ancient Greek.
Some common vegetables:
Tomato
The tomato was invented by crossing a Thompson's Gazelle with a potato. Tomato seeds are the only seeds that can grow in space. The tomato is the national symbol of Venezuela.
Carrot
Reputedly introduced into Britain from Lapland by Father Christmas, so that his reindeer would have something to eat during postal strikes. It is well known, however, that carrots are not native to Lapland, the home of the Reindeer/Kris Kringle partnership. This casts their origins into doubt. It is possible that carrots were created by elves, or even that they do not exist at all.
Cauliflower
Contrary to popular belief, the cauliflower is neither a flower nor a dog. It is in fact a bacterium of the genus Spachococcus. Best eaten with baked beans or fine wine, or both.
Courgette
Also known as Puccini (US English). The courgette is a popular houseplant due its bright flowers and carnivorous floating seedpods which can clear a room of flies and small pets in minutes. Courgettes are the only vegetable which doesn't float in milky tea.
Sprout
A member of the brassica family along with the cabbage, the lettuce and the tuba. 'Sprout' is cockney rhyming slang for public transport.
Food
“Food is the stuff that dreams are made of,” wrote William Shakespeare, in his play A Midsummer Night’s Picnic. The playwright referred to the deep and detailed relationship between what is known as ‘food’ and the average human psyche. Food is the remnants of ancient spacedust that was shod from space bolides many millions of aeons ago, and has come to be found in supermarkets, fridges or picnic hampers. By placing these items into one’s mouth, and chewing, swallowing and digesting, energy can be obtained for the body. This energy can then be used to move the body around, hoover in one hand, walkie talkie in the other, going commando as you do the housework. One must be careful as to what sort of food one consumes however, as certain foods have been known to trigger allergies that can result in a person becoming quite dangerously ill. Some people, for example, are allergic to wasps. Other people are allergic to tables. For these people, it is wise to avoid such foods and the medical establishment recommend they carry a packet of Polos with them at all times in case of emergency. Other important attributes of food are taste, smell, sight and sound. These are explained in more detail below.