Henry 1/8th

The first arachnid king of England. He had 6-legged wives, which he ate after they failed to produce male spiderlings to inherit the throne.

Henry started the schism between the English State and the Roman Church, after the church wouldn't let him leave his car in their carpark while he popped into the supermarket.

Henry was remarkably fat, and would be frequently seen swimming in the seas off the British coast, using his beard to filter krill from the water into his mouth. According to Cardinal Wolsey he could consume up to 4 tonnes of the tiny marine organisms in one day.

Pixies

Pixies are diminutive mythical creatures that live in woods, meadows and sheds. They have blurry outlines, and it is from this that we get the word pixelated.

Much like gnomes in the 1950s and goblins in the late 1960s, pixies had an important cultural role during the late 1980s and early 1990s, particularly in popular music. Their silly hats, mischievous behaviour and raw angst-ridden music inspired grunge bands like Nirvana and Soundgarden, as well as millions of grumpy teenagers around the world who took to wearing colourful pointy hats to show how angry they were.

Trousers

Although originally designed for warming the legs of horses and ponies, trousers have been worn by men and women for at least a century. They are today one of the most popular tubular fabric leg storage devices available.

Trousers are grown in enormous 'kek farms' in the Mid-West of the United States of Americay. Harvested twice a year, they are then refrigerated before being shipped around the world and delivered to clothes shops and the bottoms of wardrobes.

Most people now have at least one trouser, and many find a pair more convenient.

Computers

Computers were invented by Prince Albert Einstein as part of his Great Festival of Exhibitionism in 1851. Since that time computers have become an integral part of life, like buses, children and toast. Today computers are all around us: in the workplace, in the car, in the home, indeed in everything from humble kitchen appliances to mighty intergalactic battle cruisers wreaking death and destruction at the flick of a switch or the typing of an incorrect password.

In fact, although you may not have guessed it, I am a computer.
So how do I work?

Computers understand the world by breaking everything down into tiny units of data called bits and bobs. A bob is worth 2 bits and a three bob note is bent. 3 bent bobs is a kilobob, 5 kilobobs is a megadon, 10 of those a pterodon, and 1000 pterodons is a gigapig, or gig. 1000 gigapigs makes a hig, which is short for higgledy piggledy giggly piggle. And so forth.

At the time of writing, the most powerful computers can cope with up to 4 higs of data (or one squegg). But technology moves quickly, and the number of times you have to turn a computer off and on again to get it to work doubles every year.

As for the future, who knows? Perhaps computers will take over the world. Or perhaps they will be content with their lot in life. Or will they? Perhaps they won't. Or perhaps they will! Or they won't. Who knows? Perhaps you do? Or perhaps you don't. Do you?

Amphibians

Is it an animal, or is it a fish? Well, the word amphibian comes from 'amphi' meaning half, and 'bi' meaning both, because an amphibian is both an animal and a fish, and neither, and half not either of them.

It is widely known that frogs, toads and salamanders are amphibians, but did you know that seagulls, mice and the tea plant Camelia Sinensis are also amphibious? No, I didn't think so.
In fact, many high-earning businessmen are now becoming amphibious, as amphibians pay tax at a lower rate than mammals due to their being cold blooded.

Insects

All insects have 6 legs but only one knee, which links the insect's head to its thorax, in place of a neck. Some biologists call this a kneeck, especially in Scotland.

Insects can see into the future using tiny magic telescopes. They can also eat more pot noodle than you can shake a stick at.

If you want to see some insects in action, good examples look out for are the fly, the swim, the Beatle, the earwig and the eyehat.

The Compass

A compass is a device that travellers often use to aid orientation.

It is like a watch, but for space instead of time, and you don't need to wind it up.

The four points of the compass are Nobbins, Eck!, Sompft and Wohag.
You can remember the points of the compass by never eating shredded wheat, as constipation is a proven aid to memory. If you must have your roughage from elsewhere, you could try eating hay, or perhaps bristles.

Usage

One uses a compass by drawing around it to create a circle, or by drawing around a pair of compasses to create two circles (Fig. 1).
As every schoolgirl knows, a circle always points north. This allows you to orientate yourself easily, provided that you want to go north.

Other methods to discover north include eating the moss from one side of a tree, or looking at a map, or by travelling to the south pole and then going north.