Mao Zedong

Poet, politician and plumber extraordinaire

Son of a gay bank manager and a panda, Mao Zedong was created in 1918 to commemorate the death of WWI poet Wilfred Owen.
A bizarre child, he was shunned by his schoolmates due to his unfeasibly small size, having reached only 4 inches in height by the age of 12. Nonetheless, he was clearly a bright child, but the regimented teaching style in 1930s Hunan Province schools did not suit his artistic temperament and frankly wacky behaviour.
In his mid-teenage years he dropped out of school, becoming a drug-addled petty criminal, and eventually was arrested and jailed for running his own robot hedgehog fights in the back rooms of bars and brothels. He escaped from prison after copying keys by impressing them in the icing on fairy cakes that he baked to impress the governor, and then using these icing moulds to make new keys out of teaspoons from the prison canteen.

While in prison Mao had got into the habit of never changing out of his pyjamas, and perhaps due to the restrictions on his freedom during the day, he frequently sleepwalked at night. It was during one prolonged bout of somnambulance after his release that he became Chairman of the Chinese Communist Party.
Subsequently, the entire period of his leadership was spent in a sleepwalk. No-one noticed, and he managed international diplomacy, the writing of his personal manifesto and the release of the hit single It's my Chinese People's Party and I'll rid the country of anti-proletarian imperialists in a bloody purge if I want to while apparently unconscious.
When he woke up in 1981 he was quite surprised to find he had been leader of the most heavily populated country in the world, which he had transformed beyond recognition. On being told of the mass killing and famines of the Great Leap Forward and the Cultural Revolution, he didn't believe his informants, claiming that no-one could possibly be so dogmatically stupid, and asserted that they should have put their efforts into neutralising hippy popstar Donovan instead.

In the 1980s he was for a brief time the third member of entertainers the Chuckle Brothers, but retired after securing his fortune by inventing the spoon as an egalitarian alternative to the bourgoise knife and fork. He died suddenly in 1986, while peacefully sleepwalking across the newly opened M25 motorway.

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