Letters are the constituent parts of the written word, where each letter represents a different sound, such as ' ' or ' '. The collective noun for a flock of letters is an alphabet. There are 26 letters in common usage in written English, but in fact the full version of the English alphabet contains almost 300 letters; most of these are rarely used, being both silent and invisible.
The following, in order of appearance in Jane Austen's classic novel Men and Menstruation, are the most commonly used household letters, such as one might find in any regular coffee table book or hairdryer instruction manual:
- Bb or B flat is the silent B, which occurs in words such as 'bomb' (pronounced 'om').
- Q is an unnecessary letter, which could easily be replaced by K, but it is often said that the English like to form a Q out of politeness.
- T is the opposite of S. It is the most widely-used drink in the English alphabet.
- W is named ‘Double U', or ‘U2' for short, but it is in fact two Vs conjoined and is therefore worth ten.
Since a Royal Mail rule change in 2007, the price of sending a letter in the UK has varied according to the letter's size. This means that the cost of sending a large X to an aunt in Inverness would be upwards of 92 pence.* Pre-2007 letters are now obsolete, but one could use any found lying about the house to make alphabet soup, which should be served cold, like revenge or gazpacho.
*ie, 93 pence.
Letters
The Prodigy
The Prodigy are a man who produced a number of dance music hits in the 1990s and two thousands. Among their hits is the controversial single Smack My Biscuits.
The term 'child prodigy' is unrelated, and means an angry child who dances in tunnels and has funny hair.
Jobs
These days, nearly everyone has a job, although jobs are less popular in times of recession. A job is a method of filling the dull time between having breakfast and having dinner, unless you work a night shift in which case it fills the time between pudding and having a morning wee.
Here are some jobs that people do:
Dentists
Dentists smell of mints and have a unique number for every single tooth in the world. If they ask you to say ‘R’, be careful not to growl as it gets their hackles up.
Astronauts
Astronauts wear suits made of a special material that repels space invaders. In space, no one can eat ice cream.
Butchers
Butchers do the unpleasant job of separating meat from the animal that has kindly looked after it for the last year or two. Butchers have great vocabularies, and have invented nice words especially for bits of animals that you wouldn’t like to eat, like chitterlings, giblets and sweetbreads, because beasticles, gormenghastlies and danglepieces don’t sound very appetising.
Sailors
Sailors are really friendly, so if you see one you should say, ‘Hello sailor.’ If a sailor offers to show you his hornpipe, you should politely decline, since their mazurka is normally much better.
Beans
In the beginning, there were beans. And God said, ‘Let there be toast.’ And there was toast. Then he noticed that the beans were Worcester Sauce flavoured, and he cast them aside.
God, of course, has quite traditional tastes. Humans, on the other hand, crave culinary adventure, and in the last five thousand years we have developed more than 57 (ie, 58) varieties of bean. Most varieties are bean-shaped, though the Tyrolean Flugelbean and the South African Cauliflower Bean are more unusual, while the North American Frisbean can be a great source of entertainment at a picnic. However, only three or four beans are available in most shops, including the mung bean, the Sean bean, the well bean, and the jelly bean. If you are lucky enough to live near a ‘Beanocopia’ you will have a wide range to pick from.
Beans are the eggs of a small mammal called the haricot, and can be free range or battery-grown. These days most people prefer free range, although the nets and fine-mesh chicken wire required to prevent their escape makes them more expensive to raise than some other legumes.
Luke Skywalker
Explorer, naturalist and TV presenter
Most famous for his Ewokipaedia, Luke Skywalker wowed TV audiences for three decades with his natural history documentaries on the wildlife of Tatooine, Dagobah, and Margate.
In 1985, Skywalker experienced a surge in popularity when he took part in a charity sumo-wrestle with David Attenborough, a fellow naturist and star of The Great Escape.
Skywalker was hanged for DVD piracy in 1996.
Cuisine
Cuisine is French for kitchen, but means cooking, just as toilette is French for 'toilet', but means public convenience, and je ne sais quoi is French for 'I don't know, what is it?', but actually means kangaroo.
British cooking has changed a great deal over the last few decades. These days it is no longer considered acceptable to serve your dinner party guests a potato and some charred roadkill. As people become more interested in quality food, good nourishment and Nigella Lawson, everyone wants to develop their skills as a chief (which is French for chef). As a result, the recipe book industry is now worth literally hundreds of pounds, and not a Christmas goes by without someone buying such a book as a gift for a distant relative who they don't really know, or as an office colleague's 'Secret Santa'.
There is also a huge retail sector devoted to providing the budding chef with a variety of useful kitchen implements, at which the chef will marvel how he or she previously managed without. There are few modern kitchens that are not equipped with implements like the cheese timer, the beanometer, or the garlic laser, nor indeed specialised dining equipment like the carrot spoon, the gravy flute and the new 'Theatre of Grapes' (TM).
Superheroes
Superheroes come from America. They are like humans but have special powers, and are driven by a powerful moral code which means they always triumph in the end. Sometimes they are almost turned from the path of right and justice by a beautiful lady, who we know is secretly bad because she has dark hair.
Sometimes they have an arch enemy, who is an ugly.
Superheroes are never homosexual.
Here are some classic superheroes:
Cat Man
Cat Man comes from Chicago, where he was raised in a box by nuns. He sleeps a lot and he don't ever need no litter tray.
The Gardener
The Gardener has laser secateurs and is friends with the earthworm hoards. He charges more for weekends.
The Wastrel
The Wastrel was friends with Bill and Ted, but he was off sick when they had their excellent adventure, so he flunked school. He lives in a friend's garage and mostly hangs around in parks. He carries a spork.
Worzel Gummidge
Worzel Gummidge has very long eyelashes. He is allergic to brutalist architecture.