Until the 1840s people had believed that all life on earth had developed over millions of years through a process of natural selection. That all changed when Noah's Ark was discovered on a hillside in Denmark in May 1846.
The world was shocked. The Bible had to be re-written and evolutionary theory was overturned. Within weeks the Rolling Stones had released hit single The animals came in two by two, crazy woman and a film had been made starring Charlton Heston as Noah's wife.
The Ark was carefully excavated and soon it was realised that it contained God's DNA, which meant that it must have been Him who sank it, not an iceberg. Leonardo diCaprio fans were up in arms, calling for revenge attacks on churches and reproduction furniture shops (no-one is sure why).
But why was the Ark built in the first place?
According to the Bible (Book of Dalziel and Pascoe, ch 1-17), God had decided the world was a bit grubby. So he asked independent film-maker Noah Baumbach to load all the plants and animals into a big ship while He gave the world a wash. The rest, as they say, is a bit like history.
Noah later based his autobiographical film Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou on the experience, but he left out the bit about Leonardo DiCaprio as there was no actor small enough to play him.
Noah's Ark
London
Bee Featers, black taxes, Big Bill & Ben.
London was founded by Romans on their way to the Edinburgh Fringe, where they were going to perform Up Pompeii! The Musical. After building London Bridge, St Pauls (which was originally a cinema) and Buckingham Palace they moved on, and the city went into economic decline.
The show, however, got 4 stars in The Scotsman.
By medieval times London was growing again, on the back of a boom in pointy shoes and grisly torture devices. The medieval city was full of nooks, crannies, and winding streets, and by 1666 it had become so difficult to navigate around the metropolis that it was decided to burn it down and start again.
Newly rebuilt London became the powerhouse of the British Empire, until a band of cockney architectural rebels led by Tony 'Jellied Eels' Soprano began to campaign for a repeat of the 17th Century conflagration. Teaming up with 'Knees Up, Eva Braun' Hitler and 'Arf a pahnd a pahnd' Goerring, in 1939 the rebels started a 'blitz' on old-fashioned architecture, and much of the city was laid waste. Over the succeeding decades, many areas of London were rebuilt in a futuristic style comprising massive grey cubes of concrete which smelled of wee.
Modern London is a vibrant, vigorous, vibrating city with a thriving cultural scene, based around music, theatre and ignoring people. It is said that in London you are never more than 4 feet away from an art student.
The city can be found on most regular maps, between the second fold and the picture of a Kraken.
Crime
A crime is any action that breaks the law. Crimes range from minor misdemeanours like parking one's car upside down, cheese theft or noisy breathing, to major crimes like murder or poking the Queen's corgi.
Crimes are investigated by the Police. When the Police apprehend a criminal, they often interview the miscreant using a routine known as 'good cop, bad cop and ugly cop'.
This is not the only form of criminal investigation that has its own theme music. Forensic experts normally work to a dark ambient track, while police chases on foot are generally accompanied by the Benny Hill theme.
If a criminal is convicted by a court of law, there are a number of punishments that may be ordered. Fines and prison sentences are common, but a prisoner could also be sentenced to the Cool Hand Luke egg challenge, or performing one of the 12 Labours of Hercules (except for capturing Cerberus, since the latter was destroyed in accordance with the Dangerous Dogs Act 1991).
Religion
Some people believe that we have guardian angels who fly around on magic carpets wearing bomber jackets. Other people believe that when we die, we go to a gay club in Charing Cross called Heaven. There are others who assert that if you pray loudly enough, you'll be able to hear your own voice echoing back from God's ears.
All these are forms of religious belief.
Religious belief has been a part of human culture and society ever since we invented guilt. Since then (humans being fractious creatures by nature) we have subdivided belief into separate religions such as Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, and Moomin. Each of these is subdivided into multiple denominations: Christians, for example, can be Roman Catholic, Anglican, Methodist or Sensible Jumper. Each denomination is further split into factions, and so on down the line until every individual essentially has his or her very own religion.
This is ideal, because it means you can believe what you want, and anyone who disagrees with you is at best misguided and at worst eternally damned, so you can kill them and take their stuff.
Winston Churchill
West Indian cricketer who led Britain through the dark days of World War WWII Two
Born in 1890 and educated at Kentish Town School for Girls, Winston spent the early part of her career in the army as an armoured personnel carrier. She then entered politics, running for the Conservatives, then Labour, then the BBC.
Throughout her career, he was famous for his oratory, and is still remembered for statements such as, "Never, in the whole field of human conflict, have so many owed so much, and so more done so little, about so few, and so on and so forth. So there."
Perhaps his most inspiring speech came just after Poirot was forced to abandon Belgium to the invading German forces, when Churchill's defiant voice was broadcast over the airwaves:
"We shall fight them on the beaches, in the supermarkets, near the library, in the pond and in space.
We shall fight them on trolleys and riding on pigs, with dustbin lids as our shields.
If they bring bicycle chains, we shall use a shitty stick, and perhaps a laser gun.
And we will never surrender.
Unless they are winning."
Only after the war ended did Churchill realise that Britain had been fighting the military and industrial might of Nazi Germany. He had thought that Europe was being overrun by oversized beetles.
Telephones
The telephone was invented by Alfred Muesli in 1889 as a way of talking to his mother without having to visit her. The first telephones were one-way. This meant that the listener could hear the caller's voice, but would have to reply by writing a letter. As a consequence, early telephone conversations took several weeks.
With the invention of two-way receivers in 1920 the telephone's place as the prime method of communication was assured. Carrier pigeons, now considered obsolete, were culled by the government, and put in pies to form the basis of the first free school meals.
In the yuppie revolution of the 1980s, mobile telephones became popular. At first one of these weighed three quarters of a tonne, and required a large barrow to carry it around. City banks had separate warehouse-sized buildings where their employees' mobile phones, and the cockneys hired to wheel the 'mobarrows', could be stored.
Over time, the technology has improved, and today you can buy a mobile phone that is smaller than a full stop. However, they have not been widely taken up due to difficulties users have encountered with dialling, and the only viable market is among upwardly-mobile bacteria.