Cuisine is French for kitchen, but means cooking, just as toilette is French for 'toilet', but means public convenience, and je ne sais quoi is French for 'I don't know, what is it?', but actually means kangaroo.
British cooking has changed a great deal over the last few decades. These days it is no longer considered acceptable to serve your dinner party guests a potato and some charred roadkill. As people become more interested in quality food, good nourishment and Nigella Lawson, everyone wants to develop their skills as a chief (which is French for chef). As a result, the recipe book industry is now worth literally hundreds of pounds, and not a Christmas goes by without someone buying such a book as a gift for a distant relative who they don't really know, or as an office colleague's 'Secret Santa'.
There is also a huge retail sector devoted to providing the budding chef with a variety of useful kitchen implements, at which the chef will marvel how he or she previously managed without. There are few modern kitchens that are not equipped with implements like the cheese timer, the beanometer, or the garlic laser, nor indeed specialised dining equipment like the carrot spoon, the gravy flute and the new 'Theatre of Grapes' (TM).
Cuisine
Superheroes
Superheroes come from America. They are like humans but have special powers, and are driven by a powerful moral code which means they always triumph in the end. Sometimes they are almost turned from the path of right and justice by a beautiful lady, who we know is secretly bad because she has dark hair.
Sometimes they have an arch enemy, who is an ugly.
Superheroes are never homosexual.
Here are some classic superheroes:
Cat Man
Cat Man comes from Chicago, where he was raised in a box by nuns. He sleeps a lot and he don't ever need no litter tray.
The Gardener
The Gardener has laser secateurs and is friends with the earthworm hoards. He charges more for weekends.
The Wastrel
The Wastrel was friends with Bill and Ted, but he was off sick when they had their excellent adventure, so he flunked school. He lives in a friend's garage and mostly hangs around in parks. He carries a spork.
Worzel Gummidge
Worzel Gummidge has very long eyelashes. He is allergic to brutalist architecture.
The Internet
The internet is made up of millions of brass pipes connecting huge underground reservoirs full of facts, ideas and nonsense. Information is pushed around the system using enormous steam-powered pumps.
Although it has been around less than a generation, the internet is now more than three times the size of Jesus. It continues to expand at the rate of two a year.
Here are most popular things people do on the internet (not counting looking at naked people):
1) finding recipes for teriyaki salmon
2) hiding
3) downloading morris dancers
4) origami
5) changing foreign currency
6) learning about bats
7) making smells
8) posting photographs of holidays in Suffolk
9) conducting séances
Noah's Ark
Until the 1840s people had believed that all life on earth had developed over millions of years through a process of natural selection. That all changed when Noah's Ark was discovered on a hillside in Denmark in May 1846.
The world was shocked. The Bible had to be re-written and evolutionary theory was overturned. Within weeks the Rolling Stones had released hit single The animals came in two by two, crazy woman and a film had been made starring Charlton Heston as Noah's wife.
The Ark was carefully excavated and soon it was realised that it contained God's DNA, which meant that it must have been Him who sank it, not an iceberg. Leonardo diCaprio fans were up in arms, calling for revenge attacks on churches and reproduction furniture shops (no-one is sure why).
But why was the Ark built in the first place?
According to the Bible (Book of Dalziel and Pascoe, ch 1-17), God had decided the world was a bit grubby. So he asked independent film-maker Noah Baumbach to load all the plants and animals into a big ship while He gave the world a wash. The rest, as they say, is a bit like history.
Noah later based his autobiographical film Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou on the experience, but he left out the bit about Leonardo DiCaprio as there was no actor small enough to play him.
London
Bee Featers, black taxes, Big Bill & Ben.
London was founded by Romans on their way to the Edinburgh Fringe, where they were going to perform Up Pompeii! The Musical. After building London Bridge, St Pauls (which was originally a cinema) and Buckingham Palace they moved on, and the city went into economic decline.
The show, however, got 4 stars in The Scotsman.
By medieval times London was growing again, on the back of a boom in pointy shoes and grisly torture devices. The medieval city was full of nooks, crannies, and winding streets, and by 1666 it had become so difficult to navigate around the metropolis that it was decided to burn it down and start again.
Newly rebuilt London became the powerhouse of the British Empire, until a band of cockney architectural rebels led by Tony 'Jellied Eels' Soprano began to campaign for a repeat of the 17th Century conflagration. Teaming up with 'Knees Up, Eva Braun' Hitler and 'Arf a pahnd a pahnd' Goerring, in 1939 the rebels started a 'blitz' on old-fashioned architecture, and much of the city was laid waste. Over the succeeding decades, many areas of London were rebuilt in a futuristic style comprising massive grey cubes of concrete which smelled of wee.
Modern London is a vibrant, vigorous, vibrating city with a thriving cultural scene, based around music, theatre and ignoring people. It is said that in London you are never more than 4 feet away from an art student.
The city can be found on most regular maps, between the second fold and the picture of a Kraken.
Crime
A crime is any action that breaks the law. Crimes range from minor misdemeanours like parking one's car upside down, cheese theft or noisy breathing, to major crimes like murder or poking the Queen's corgi.
Crimes are investigated by the Police. When the Police apprehend a criminal, they often interview the miscreant using a routine known as 'good cop, bad cop and ugly cop'.
This is not the only form of criminal investigation that has its own theme music. Forensic experts normally work to a dark ambient track, while police chases on foot are generally accompanied by the Benny Hill theme.
If a criminal is convicted by a court of law, there are a number of punishments that may be ordered. Fines and prison sentences are common, but a prisoner could also be sentenced to the Cool Hand Luke egg challenge, or performing one of the 12 Labours of Hercules (except for capturing Cerberus, since the latter was destroyed in accordance with the Dangerous Dogs Act 1991).