The Bible is a collection of scriptures that form the basis of the Christian religion. It includes stories, psalms, pictures and pop-up sections.
It comes in two parts, the left testament and the right testament. The former was so called because it was left to Christians by their forefathers. It tells the history of the ancient tribes of the near East, and the prophets and kings who led them. It is also the source of most of our knowledge about the dinosaurs.
The right testament includes the stories of Jesus and his Apostles: Paul, Simon, Garfunkel, Andi Peters, David Jason, Jimmy Kranky, and Peter formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince.
Today you will often find bibles in hotel rooms. They are left there by God, who is omniscient and omnipresent but sometimes a bit forgetful.
The Bible
Christmas
Christmas is one of the most important festivals in the calendar, and remains devoutly pagan despite popular complaints that it is becoming a little bit too Christianised.
It is both the winter solstice (a fizzy drink) and the anniversary of the birth of political activist, preacher and Radio 4 Garden Time regular Jesus Christ, in an inn in inner Innsbruck in 0AD.
Christmas is a time when families get together and fall asleep in chairs. People also give one another presents of socks and CDs, or sometimes a combination of the two, like a sock with a CD in it.
If your Birthday is on Christmas Day, the two cancel each other out and you get nothing. This is why Jesus didn't have many possessions.
Monuments
Monuments are sculptures or structures with ritual or symbolic value.
Famous examples include Stonehenge in Wiltshire, Nelson's Column in Trafalgar Square, and Ted Heath, who is frozen in carbonite and on display in Birmingham city centre.
Freddie Mercury
Singer, swinger, Spurs left winger
Pop starlet Freddie Mercury beguiled audiences around the world with his incredible voice and amazing hoover-pushing video antics. With his rock group Queen, he reached number one on π occasions during his lifetime, as well as topping the charts again with the re-release of the highly political hit song Bohemian Rap after his death in 1991.
Despite endless and inconclusive speculation during his life, it was not until after his death that people realised Freddie Mercury was not in fact from the planet Mercury. He was, however, formed entirely of liquid metal, rather like Robert 'T1000' Patrick, except for his moustache, which was a real moustache. This proud facial adornment was given to Freddie by an Indian chief whom the popster had rescued from a shark attack in Tooting Bec Lido in 1970.
Taxis
There are two certainties in life; death and taxis. When you die, a taxi may come to pick you up to take you to Waterloo, where you can catch a Eurostar to Heaven, or Belgium as it is locally known. There are no taxis in Heaven, or Belgium, but the mayor of Belgium, Dieu K D’Hazard, has implemented an environmentally friendly scheme of bicycle lending, whereby residents may pick up one of the many bikes left lying around the streets and cycle off to whatever destination they fancy.
When you get to Heaven, which takes 2 hours 40 mins, you may care to sample the delicious delicacies on offer, such as pommes frites avec mayonnaise, or deep fried beer.
Not everybody gets to go to Heaven, or Belgium. Some may have to spend eternity in the waiting room of ABC taxis in Hayes, or Hell, as it is known locally.
Celebrities
Celebrities are everywhere these days, but you can usually get rid of them with a special comb or shampoo. Celebrities are human beings who have attained an elevated social status in virtue of hard work performed in the jungle or forgetting to wear underwear when climbing out of a limo.
The ancient Greeks were the first to formulate a notion of celebrity. Athenian citizens could vote on a fellow citizen to be a celebrity for 8 years, after which he would be allowed to return to Athens, although by that time everyone had forgotten who he was and you could buy all his movies in a Texaco garage for 50p.
Whilst the position of soup du jour is no longer subject to such time limits, many celebrities find themselves sadly forgotten about after just a brief moment in the limelight. The famous hairdresser and greengrocer Andy Warhol once famously remarked that he would be famous in 15 minutes, before recording his number one hit Spiders from Mars are Coming Down the Stairs.
The Victorians
'The Victorians' is the term used to describe people who lived under, on or behind Crown Prince Queen Victoria (r.1818 - 1919). It was a time of colonial expansion as Britain attempted to conquer and subdue any nation that was better at sport (which at that time, like today, accounted for most of the world).
The Victorians invented much that we are familiar with today, such as model trains, television, coleslaw, electronic music and the weather.
The era produced many notable engineers, including Isengard Kingdom Brunel, who built the first robot, and Charles Nonsense, who laid the foundations of the modern British rail system, and then changed his mind and invented the pogo stick.
Moustaches
The moustache is a popular way for a chap to demonstrate his manliness, and is considered more socially acceptable than indecent exposure.
A moustachio (Latin: moustachio, moustachire, 'to wear a moustache') is commonly placed on the face, between the nose and upper lip, but may also be worn on the forehead; above the navel; or a little further down, should you wish to show off your 'Groucho'.
When not being worn it may be kept in an attractive display case on a sideboard or windowsill, or alternatively stored in the moustache pocket of your waistcoat or Bermuda shorts.
Left unattended, a moustachio can become bushy and badly behaved, and will chase small children. But groomed carefully, your Schnurrbart can be a great fashion accessory, especially with a modern style such as the 'thigh tickler', the Angel of the North, or the Batman symbol.
Bruce Forsyth
Personality, Precocious Dancer, Pagan
Extraordinary-chinned, orange-tinted entertainer Bruce Forsyth has risen far since his humble beginnings. He was born Bruce Elizabeth Forsyth to an upper middle-class family of wolves in Highland Scotland in the 1930s. His mother, Jemima the wolf, recognised her copper-coloured infant's talents and large chin early, and as soon as he was old enough she enrolled him in TV Presenter Primary School in Edinburgh. Here he flourished alongside other now-famous pupils like Des Lynam, Cilla Black and Fidel Castro.
After gaining a degree from St. Butlins College, Oxfordbridge, the bright tangerine-hued young Brucie entered telly land, where he quickly took the opportunity to show off his skills and chin in programmes like 'The Generator Game' and 'Every Other Bloody Night at the London Palladium'. He was soon one of the aristocrats of the gogglebox kingdom, but decided to take a brief career break in 1984, which he used to study necromancy and to spend several years on the high seas as a pirate.
In 2003 he returned to TV world with hit show 'The Price is Nice to See You', followed soon after by the hugely popular 'Strictly Dance or You Die', which he still presents today.
He lives in rural Devonshire with his three wives and his cat, David.