Explorer, naturalist and TV presenter
Most famous for his Ewokipaedia, Luke Skywalker wowed TV audiences for three decades with his natural history documentaries on the wildlife of Tatooine, Dagobah, and Margate.
In 1985, Skywalker experienced a surge in popularity when he took part in a charity sumo-wrestle with David Attenborough, a fellow naturist and star of The Great Escape.
Skywalker was hanged for DVD piracy in 1996.
Luke Skywalker
Cuisine
Cuisine is French for kitchen, but means cooking, just as toilette is French for 'toilet', but means public convenience, and je ne sais quoi is French for 'I don't know, what is it?', but actually means kangaroo.
British cooking has changed a great deal over the last few decades. These days it is no longer considered acceptable to serve your dinner party guests a potato and some charred roadkill. As people become more interested in quality food, good nourishment and Nigella Lawson, everyone wants to develop their skills as a chief (which is French for chef). As a result, the recipe book industry is now worth literally hundreds of pounds, and not a Christmas goes by without someone buying such a book as a gift for a distant relative who they don't really know, or as an office colleague's 'Secret Santa'.
There is also a huge retail sector devoted to providing the budding chef with a variety of useful kitchen implements, at which the chef will marvel how he or she previously managed without. There are few modern kitchens that are not equipped with implements like the cheese timer, the beanometer, or the garlic laser, nor indeed specialised dining equipment like the carrot spoon, the gravy flute and the new 'Theatre of Grapes' (TM).
Superheroes
Superheroes come from America. They are like humans but have special powers, and are driven by a powerful moral code which means they always triumph in the end. Sometimes they are almost turned from the path of right and justice by a beautiful lady, who we know is secretly bad because she has dark hair.
Sometimes they have an arch enemy, who is an ugly.
Superheroes are never homosexual.
Here are some classic superheroes:
Cat Man
Cat Man comes from Chicago, where he was raised in a box by nuns. He sleeps a lot and he don't ever need no litter tray.
The Gardener
The Gardener has laser secateurs and is friends with the earthworm hoards. He charges more for weekends.
The Wastrel
The Wastrel was friends with Bill and Ted, but he was off sick when they had their excellent adventure, so he flunked school. He lives in a friend's garage and mostly hangs around in parks. He carries a spork.
Worzel Gummidge
Worzel Gummidge has very long eyelashes. He is allergic to brutalist architecture.
The Internet
The internet is made up of millions of brass pipes connecting huge underground reservoirs full of facts, ideas and nonsense. Information is pushed around the system using enormous steam-powered pumps.
Although it has been around less than a generation, the internet is now more than three times the size of Jesus. It continues to expand at the rate of two a year.
Here are most popular things people do on the internet (not counting looking at naked people):
1) finding recipes for teriyaki salmon
2) hiding
3) downloading morris dancers
4) origami
5) changing foreign currency
6) learning about bats
7) making smells
8) posting photographs of holidays in Suffolk
9) conducting séances
Noah's Ark
Until the 1840s people had believed that all life on earth had developed over millions of years through a process of natural selection. That all changed when Noah's Ark was discovered on a hillside in Denmark in May 1846.
The world was shocked. The Bible had to be re-written and evolutionary theory was overturned. Within weeks the Rolling Stones had released hit single The animals came in two by two, crazy woman and a film had been made starring Charlton Heston as Noah's wife.
The Ark was carefully excavated and soon it was realised that it contained God's DNA, which meant that it must have been Him who sank it, not an iceberg. Leonardo diCaprio fans were up in arms, calling for revenge attacks on churches and reproduction furniture shops (no-one is sure why).
But why was the Ark built in the first place?
According to the Bible (Book of Dalziel and Pascoe, ch 1-17), God had decided the world was a bit grubby. So he asked independent film-maker Noah Baumbach to load all the plants and animals into a big ship while He gave the world a wash. The rest, as they say, is a bit like history.
Noah later based his autobiographical film Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou on the experience, but he left out the bit about Leonardo DiCaprio as there was no actor small enough to play him.
London
Bee Featers, black taxes, Big Bill & Ben.
London was founded by Romans on their way to the Edinburgh Fringe, where they were going to perform Up Pompeii! The Musical. After building London Bridge, St Pauls (which was originally a cinema) and Buckingham Palace they moved on, and the city went into economic decline.
The show, however, got 4 stars in The Scotsman.
By medieval times London was growing again, on the back of a boom in pointy shoes and grisly torture devices. The medieval city was full of nooks, crannies, and winding streets, and by 1666 it had become so difficult to navigate around the metropolis that it was decided to burn it down and start again.
Newly rebuilt London became the powerhouse of the British Empire, until a band of cockney architectural rebels led by Tony 'Jellied Eels' Soprano began to campaign for a repeat of the 17th Century conflagration. Teaming up with 'Knees Up, Eva Braun' Hitler and 'Arf a pahnd a pahnd' Goerring, in 1939 the rebels started a 'blitz' on old-fashioned architecture, and much of the city was laid waste. Over the succeeding decades, many areas of London were rebuilt in a futuristic style comprising massive grey cubes of concrete which smelled of wee.
Modern London is a vibrant, vigorous, vibrating city with a thriving cultural scene, based around music, theatre and ignoring people. It is said that in London you are never more than 4 feet away from an art student.
The city can be found on most regular maps, between the second fold and the picture of a Kraken.
Crime
A crime is any action that breaks the law. Crimes range from minor misdemeanours like parking one's car upside down, cheese theft or noisy breathing, to major crimes like murder or poking the Queen's corgi.
Crimes are investigated by the Police. When the Police apprehend a criminal, they often interview the miscreant using a routine known as 'good cop, bad cop and ugly cop'.
This is not the only form of criminal investigation that has its own theme music. Forensic experts normally work to a dark ambient track, while police chases on foot are generally accompanied by the Benny Hill theme.
If a criminal is convicted by a court of law, there are a number of punishments that may be ordered. Fines and prison sentences are common, but a prisoner could also be sentenced to the Cool Hand Luke egg challenge, or performing one of the 12 Labours of Hercules (except for capturing Cerberus, since the latter was destroyed in accordance with the Dangerous Dogs Act 1991).
Religion
Some people believe that we have guardian angels who fly around on magic carpets wearing bomber jackets. Other people believe that when we die, we go to a gay club in Charing Cross called Heaven. There are others who assert that if you pray loudly enough, you'll be able to hear your own voice echoing back from God's ears.
All these are forms of religious belief.
Religious belief has been a part of human culture and society ever since we invented guilt. Since then (humans being fractious creatures by nature) we have subdivided belief into separate religions such as Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, and Moomin. Each of these is subdivided into multiple denominations: Christians, for example, can be Roman Catholic, Anglican, Methodist or Sensible Jumper. Each denomination is further split into factions, and so on down the line until every individual essentially has his or her very own religion.
This is ideal, because it means you can believe what you want, and anyone who disagrees with you is at best misguided and at worst eternally damned, so you can kill them and take their stuff.
Winston Churchill
West Indian cricketer who led Britain through the dark days of World War WWII Two
Born in 1890 and educated at Kentish Town School for Girls, Winston spent the early part of her career in the army as an armoured personnel carrier. She then entered politics, running for the Conservatives, then Labour, then the BBC.
Throughout her career, he was famous for his oratory, and is still remembered for statements such as, "Never, in the whole field of human conflict, have so many owed so much, and so more done so little, about so few, and so on and so forth. So there."
Perhaps his most inspiring speech came just after Poirot was forced to abandon Belgium to the invading German forces, when Churchill's defiant voice was broadcast over the airwaves:
"We shall fight them on the beaches, in the supermarkets, near the library, in the pond and in space.
We shall fight them on trolleys and riding on pigs, with dustbin lids as our shields.
If they bring bicycle chains, we shall use a shitty stick, and perhaps a laser gun.
And we will never surrender.
Unless they are winning."
Only after the war ended did Churchill realise that Britain had been fighting the military and industrial might of Nazi Germany. He had thought that Europe was being overrun by oversized beetles.
Telephones
The telephone was invented by Alfred Muesli in 1889 as a way of talking to his mother without having to visit her. The first telephones were one-way. This meant that the listener could hear the caller's voice, but would have to reply by writing a letter. As a consequence, early telephone conversations took several weeks.
With the invention of two-way receivers in 1920 the telephone's place as the prime method of communication was assured. Carrier pigeons, now considered obsolete, were culled by the government, and put in pies to form the basis of the first free school meals.
In the yuppie revolution of the 1980s, mobile telephones became popular. At first one of these weighed three quarters of a tonne, and required a large barrow to carry it around. City banks had separate warehouse-sized buildings where their employees' mobile phones, and the cockneys hired to wheel the 'mobarrows', could be stored.
Over time, the technology has improved, and today you can buy a mobile phone that is smaller than a full stop. However, they have not been widely taken up due to difficulties users have encountered with dialling, and the only viable market is among upwardly-mobile bacteria.
Cliff Richard
(Plural: Cliff Richardses)
Singer, actor, expert jam maker
Sir Cliff first hit the music scene in 1810, when as a tiny scruffy boy of four he crawled out of a hedge in Devon singing a hymn. Since then he has sung almost 100,000 songs, which is more than anyone else in the world apart from 130-year-old Japanese club singer Tina Arena.
Having been around for so long, Cliff has seen a lot of changes in the music business. When he first started recording, he had to sing into a 10 tonne steam-powered phonograph. Nowadays, he can actually produce digital song files by singing in binary, allowing his crooning to be downloaded directly to your computer or brain.
King Arthur
King of the Britons, late 5th Century AD - present
King Arthur still resonates today as the archetypal warrior king, and a focal point for patriotic fervour and Cornish Tourism Board leaflets. He is also famous as being the first Briton to lather himself in goose fat and swim across the channel Tunnel, because a sword told him to.
Born somewhere mountainous like Wales or Cornwall in 410 (just before Countdown), Arthur showed his royal ambition from an early age, when he had the young Princess Daenna killed in a chariot accident, leaving him the only heir to the throne. The heir was called John. Arthur killed him too, and then declared himself king. He then sealed his position as the rightful ruler by pulling a sword out of a packet of Rice Crispies (this was his second attempt, as he had accidentally eaten the previous sword in a rice crispie cake).
Arthur was soon leading a band of brave young knights from around the kingdom, attracted by the fame of his court and his rather shapely legs, and various unlikely adventures ensued. After many years gallavanting and being wise, he died and was buried in Highgate between Robin Hood and Winston Churchill. Legend has it that one day, when Britain is in dire need, he will rise again to unite the people, drive away invaders, and release a number one hit single.
So that's the legend. What about the real King Arthur?
It is possible that the basis of the myth is Arturius, a Romanised Britain who fought Saxon settlers and raiders during the 5th Century. He may also have been based on Arthur (pronounced Arffa), a character from Eastenders who, like the real Arthur, didn't like foreigners and then died. We will probably never know. Unless he does rise again, of course, in which case we can ask him.
Skeletons
The animal kingdom has long been divided into those that do have a skeleton, and those that do without. For those creatures that possess skeletons, the experience is somewhat like using a supermarket shopping trolley, in that it contains all your essentials and the wheels don’t work. Some animals do not have skeletons and instead just re-use old carrier bags. Types of animals without skeletons include slugs, snakes, snails and snowmen.
Individuals of the species homo sapiens tend in general to have skeletons, which in this species consist of a skull, shoulders, ribcage, arms, legs and toesies. These different sections are strung together with tendons and twine and cumulatively serve as an elongated coat hanger on which one can hang the portmanteau of the skin (see below). The skin is then covered in a fine layer of hairs - in some locations the hairs are allowed a certain freedom of expression - a couple of eyeballs are popped in to the skull, a tongue fixed amongst the teeth of the jawbone, a hat is put on the head and a free seat is located on the bus on which to sit. Most buses will drop you somewhere near Tesco although it is quicker oftentimes to walk.
Art
Art is short for Arthur. Arthur comes in many forms, and is often divided into 'high art', such as opera, sculpture and painting, and 'low art', like whistling, doodling and making words with alphabetti spaghetti.
Artistic endeavour is one of the defining features of modern humans, along with having complex societal structures, and not being happy with your hairstyle.
Making musical instruments out of vegetables is not art. It is a form of political protest.
The Bible
The Bible is a collection of scriptures that form the basis of the Christian religion. It includes stories, psalms, pictures and pop-up sections.
It comes in two parts, the left testament and the right testament. The former was so called because it was left to Christians by their forefathers. It tells the history of the ancient tribes of the near East, and the prophets and kings who led them. It is also the source of most of our knowledge about the dinosaurs.
The right testament includes the stories of Jesus and his Apostles: Paul, Simon, Garfunkel, Andi Peters, David Jason, Jimmy Kranky, and Peter formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince.
Today you will often find bibles in hotel rooms. They are left there by God, who is omniscient and omnipresent but sometimes a bit forgetful.
Christmas
Christmas is one of the most important festivals in the calendar, and remains devoutly pagan despite popular complaints that it is becoming a little bit too Christianised.
It is both the winter solstice (a fizzy drink) and the anniversary of the birth of political activist, preacher and Radio 4 Garden Time regular Jesus Christ, in an inn in inner Innsbruck in 0AD.
Christmas is a time when families get together and fall asleep in chairs. People also give one another presents of socks and CDs, or sometimes a combination of the two, like a sock with a CD in it.
If your Birthday is on Christmas Day, the two cancel each other out and you get nothing. This is why Jesus didn't have many possessions.
Monuments
Monuments are sculptures or structures with ritual or symbolic value.
Famous examples include Stonehenge in Wiltshire, Nelson's Column in Trafalgar Square, and Ted Heath, who is frozen in carbonite and on display in Birmingham city centre.
Freddie Mercury
Singer, swinger, Spurs left winger
Pop starlet Freddie Mercury beguiled audiences around the world with his incredible voice and amazing hoover-pushing video antics. With his rock group Queen, he reached number one on π occasions during his lifetime, as well as topping the charts again with the re-release of the highly political hit song Bohemian Rap after his death in 1991.
Despite endless and inconclusive speculation during his life, it was not until after his death that people realised Freddie Mercury was not in fact from the planet Mercury. He was, however, formed entirely of liquid metal, rather like Robert 'T1000' Patrick, except for his moustache, which was a real moustache. This proud facial adornment was given to Freddie by an Indian chief whom the popster had rescued from a shark attack in Tooting Bec Lido in 1970.
Taxis
There are two certainties in life; death and taxis. When you die, a taxi may come to pick you up to take you to Waterloo, where you can catch a Eurostar to Heaven, or Belgium as it is locally known. There are no taxis in Heaven, or Belgium, but the mayor of Belgium, Dieu K D’Hazard, has implemented an environmentally friendly scheme of bicycle lending, whereby residents may pick up one of the many bikes left lying around the streets and cycle off to whatever destination they fancy.
When you get to Heaven, which takes 2 hours 40 mins, you may care to sample the delicious delicacies on offer, such as pommes frites avec mayonnaise, or deep fried beer.
Not everybody gets to go to Heaven, or Belgium. Some may have to spend eternity in the waiting room of ABC taxis in Hayes, or Hell, as it is known locally.
Celebrities
Celebrities are everywhere these days, but you can usually get rid of them with a special comb or shampoo. Celebrities are human beings who have attained an elevated social status in virtue of hard work performed in the jungle or forgetting to wear underwear when climbing out of a limo.
The ancient Greeks were the first to formulate a notion of celebrity. Athenian citizens could vote on a fellow citizen to be a celebrity for 8 years, after which he would be allowed to return to Athens, although by that time everyone had forgotten who he was and you could buy all his movies in a Texaco garage for 50p.
Whilst the position of soup du jour is no longer subject to such time limits, many celebrities find themselves sadly forgotten about after just a brief moment in the limelight. The famous hairdresser and greengrocer Andy Warhol once famously remarked that he would be famous in 15 minutes, before recording his number one hit Spiders from Mars are Coming Down the Stairs.
The Victorians
'The Victorians' is the term used to describe people who lived under, on or behind Crown Prince Queen Victoria (r.1818 - 1919). It was a time of colonial expansion as Britain attempted to conquer and subdue any nation that was better at sport (which at that time, like today, accounted for most of the world).
The Victorians invented much that we are familiar with today, such as model trains, television, coleslaw, electronic music and the weather.
The era produced many notable engineers, including Isengard Kingdom Brunel, who built the first robot, and Charles Nonsense, who laid the foundations of the modern British rail system, and then changed his mind and invented the pogo stick.
Moustaches
The moustache is a popular way for a chap to demonstrate his manliness, and is considered more socially acceptable than indecent exposure.
A moustachio (Latin: moustachio, moustachire, 'to wear a moustache') is commonly placed on the face, between the nose and upper lip, but may also be worn on the forehead; above the navel; or a little further down, should you wish to show off your 'Groucho'.
When not being worn it may be kept in an attractive display case on a sideboard or windowsill, or alternatively stored in the moustache pocket of your waistcoat or Bermuda shorts.
Left unattended, a moustachio can become bushy and badly behaved, and will chase small children. But groomed carefully, your Schnurrbart can be a great fashion accessory, especially with a modern style such as the 'thigh tickler', the Angel of the North, or the Batman symbol.
Bruce Forsyth
Personality, Precocious Dancer, Pagan
Extraordinary-chinned, orange-tinted entertainer Bruce Forsyth has risen far since his humble beginnings. He was born Bruce Elizabeth Forsyth to an upper middle-class family of wolves in Highland Scotland in the 1930s. His mother, Jemima the wolf, recognised her copper-coloured infant's talents and large chin early, and as soon as he was old enough she enrolled him in TV Presenter Primary School in Edinburgh. Here he flourished alongside other now-famous pupils like Des Lynam, Cilla Black and Fidel Castro.
After gaining a degree from St. Butlins College, Oxfordbridge, the bright tangerine-hued young Brucie entered telly land, where he quickly took the opportunity to show off his skills and chin in programmes like 'The Generator Game' and 'Every Other Bloody Night at the London Palladium'. He was soon one of the aristocrats of the gogglebox kingdom, but decided to take a brief career break in 1984, which he used to study necromancy and to spend several years on the high seas as a pirate.
In 2003 he returned to TV world with hit show 'The Price is Nice to See You', followed soon after by the hugely popular 'Strictly Dance or You Die', which he still presents today.
He lives in rural Devonshire with his three wives and his cat, David.
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